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From the archives: When a circus clown chased escaped lions through the streets of Grimsby in 1981
Sometimes clowns aren’t evil. Actually, that’s a lie. They are very evil. But our spotter Xander pulls a couple of news items out of the archive that sometimes heroes don’t wear capes. Instead they wear red noses, terrifying make-up and bloody great shoes. Unless they are a clown wearing a cape, in which they do…
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Man ‘forced’ to keep his new wheelie bin on the decking he built for his massive midlife crisis motorbike
Look no further. Here’s the most midlife crisis news story you will ever see. It has everything. Bins. Bloody huge motorbike. Specially constructed decking. And – of course – epic sadface. Bath Chronicle: Biker says he’s been ‘forced’ to keep his new wheelie bin on the decking he built specially for his Harley Davidson motorbike Yes,…
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Another Salute to the genius of the Sunday Sport
We’ve saluted the genius of the Sunday Spurt before, and now it seems we have to do it again because they won’t stop being mental cases. In fact, I’m genuinely tempted to quit journalism and go write for them instead. I mean – look: How can you not be moved by one man’s love for…
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Milko dairies declare war on local fox population
Foxes. Cute fluffy animals, or devious wild dogs intent on eating your face off? Our local foxes fall squarely into the cute fluffy animals category, except for when they start howling at the bottom of the garden and set the dogs off. Then they are utter bastards. Cute fluffy, little bastards. In Waltham Forest, it…
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Mums keep buying their kids Scooby Snacks not realising they’re actually pet food
I think we’re all agreed that a) Scooby Doo was boss, b) Scrappy Doo was the dog-faced child of Satan and c) Velma was the hot one. No. You are wrong. She 100% was hotter than Daphne. SHUT UP. And I think that we’re also agreed that d) the only character who ate Scooby Snacks…
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Idiot leaves his car at the shops, accidentally convinces the whole world it was stolen
This is all about self-confessed idiot Luke Flesher of Australia’s Gold Coast and his ill-fated drive to the shops. So engrossed was our Luke in his Fantasy Football team, that he completely forgot that he had driven to the shops and walked home. While for most people, the lack of a car in the car…
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That time Mrs Mangel out of Neighbours got ripped off buying from online ticket touts
Repeat after me: Don’t. Buy. Concert. Tickets. From. Online. Ticket. Touts. Yet still they do, and despite being dead, Mrs Mangel out of Neighbours has found herself on the sharp end of a shady deal. Melbourne Herald Sun: Calls to ban online ticket website Viagogo after numerous complaints She can count herself lucky – at least…
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From the archives: Derry man jailed for having sex with a mattress in a car park
At any given moment in time, up to two million rancid old mattresses are having sex. Let that sink in. Yeah, where were we? Sexy mattresses. While it’s fine to allow mattresses to make baby mattresses, what is NOT okay is making sweet, sweet love to a mattress. In a car park. In front of members of…
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People keep losing their dentures and the surprised finders keep going to the local newspapers
People of Britain: If you have dentures, please at least make an effort to keep them in your mouth. Because if there’s one thing that keeps turning my stomach is seeing people in local newspapers gurning at the teeth they have found lying in the street. And it being the silly season, there’s been at least three…
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Bridlington man smashes up his Renault Clio and leaves it for dead
Bridlington. A quiet seaside town where the sea laps at the toes of tourists on the beach, or a hive of scum and villainy? YOU DECIDE. And to help you make your decision, we’re indebted to our local spotter, who has risked life and limb to bring you this important story and video footage. Bridlington…