Foxes.
Cute fluffy animals, or devious wild dogs intent on eating your face off?
Our local foxes fall squarely into the cute fluffy animals category, except for when they start howling at the bottom of the garden and set the dogs off. Then they are utter bastards. Cute fluffy, little bastards.
In Waltham Forest, it turns out they have the evil variety:
Waltham Forest Guardian: Local milkies declare war on urban foxes after series of doorstep thefts
So here’s the plan:
- Go to Waltham Forest
- Steal milk and eggs and bread and stuff
- Sell it to a bloke down the pub
- Blame foxes
Of course, carrying out this plan would be A Very Bad Thing, and the lads from Milko Dairies would a) track you down and b) shit you up.
And with a lack of proper fierce creatures on the prowl in this country, it’s foxes that get all the bad press.
Any excuse to run this classic of a story again.
Bexley News Shopper: Catford fox horror for man on toilet
As ever, this one comes with an important health warning for anybody considering calling in a local press photographer to cover your fox on the toilet incident:
When the photographer asks “How about a shot with your trousers round your ankles?”, you say NO, I AM NOT A LUNATIC.
Unless you are a lunatic, then go right ahead.
And from the same paper, who appear to have cornered the market in animal-based lunacy:
Bexley News Shopper: Aggressive snake slithers down chimney and attacks police in Abbey Wood home
We ought to point out that even if Ms Cox is still in her dressing gown, “slithers down chimney” is not sexy slang in any way at all.
Dude. That’s not how you dab.