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Donkey eats German man’s orange sports car thinking it (yeah, right) a giant carrot
If you think donkeys don’t know the difference between a stout British supercar and dinner, then you’re an idiot. I know my classics (Shrek, Shrek 2 and the Shrek Christmas special) and I know that a) all donkeys sound like Eddie Murphy and b)know a McLaren when they see one. This story first appeared in…
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Tenant declares war on the council over the colour of his wall
To Aberdeen, where one man and his paintbrush are in a state of conflict with the pencil-necked desk-pilots at the local council. He painted the wall of his council property gloss red to brighten it up a bit, but the geeks at the council offices were having none of it and painted over his handiwork,…
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Norwich woman declares Hell will freeze over before the city is allowed to line dance again, also something about Princess Diana
Norwich, we need to have a word about line-dancing. This lovely lady, in her autumn years, is putting herself out to bring the internationally renowned art of line-dancing to your fine city, yet you have shown her no interest whatsoever. Surely, we ask, East Anglia is ready for stetson hats, do-si-doing your partner and whatever…
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New Zealander who has been painting yellow lines outside his house will finally get his wish
This guy is one of our repeat offenders, so we’ll be sorry to see him go. But here’s Russell Taylor who has been on a one-man crusade against the drivers of Wellington to prevent them parking outside his home, which he says is on a dangerous blind bend. Stuff NZ: Wellington man can now stop painting…
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Man who paid for two hours of parking “frustrated” at receiving fine after one hour 40 minutes
I’m going to give this chap the benefit of the doubt. When you pay for two hours of parking you don’t expect to be fined £25 when you return twenty minutes before the ticket runs out. And, as far as I can tell, the council don’t have a leg to stand on. Nottingham Post: Driver returns…
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Oldiewonks say they have to put on their wellies to go out into the garden because of a broken pipe
There’s a deluge in Coventry. A deluge so horrific that this couple are trapped in their house for fear that it will wash away. Or, possibly, it’s all a bit of an inconvenience and a massive waste of water. But the word “forced” is much overused in journalism, when the writer actually means “might have…
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Exploding Irn Bru can leaves dog with ‘toilet problems’
To Scotland again, and the ritual humiliation of a beagle who cannot go to the toilet properly because of a fizzy-drink based incident. Irn Bru is not generally known for its explosive properties, but it was the closely guarded Scottish recipe that nearly did for Parker the dog. And as you can see, he’s really…
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Perth man gets a ‘Nazi’ surprise when he buys swastika slippers from Amazon
To Scotland, where a gentleman is furious that his cosy carpet slippers come with a bit of the Third Reich about them. We’ve got enough genuine Nazis running around these days, sieg heiling in the streets, holding high office, so the last thing you want is to get home and find your footwear is of…
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Fast and Furious: Paul Walker caught speeding and giving police the middle finger
And back in the world of deeply ironic news, the Grimsby Telegraph brings us the story of one celebrity double being caught giving traffic police the middle finger after he’s caught speeding. And it has cost Paul Walker, namesake of poor, dead Paul Walker, a few bob in fines. Grimsby Telegraph: Paul Walker fined £390 and…
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Bike thief learns that you shouldn’t steal bikes during a bike race. Bikes.
Imagine for a moment that you are an idiot. Imagine that you are an idiot strolling along the seafront at Surfer’s Paradise in Australia and stumble across many fit, sporty types limbering up for a bicycle race. What are you going to do? If you had d) Steal a bike and ride through the pack…