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Fear and loathing in Gillingham as Asda gnomes are stolen
There’s theft. There’s theft from kiddiewinks, which is low. There’s theft of garden gnomes from grannies, which should be punished by DEATH. Kent Online: Thieves make off with Rosemary’s priceless collection of Asda-brand garden gnomes Just look at her face, you bastards. May you lose your balance as you flog them at a local car boot…
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Councillor complains about ‘worn out’ welcome sign, remembers he’s left the gas on
Here’s a man who is posing angrily for his local newspaper, but has just remembered he’s left the gas on at home. It’s too late, mate. You’ve left the gas on at home. Newcastle Herald: Councillor who has just remembered that he’s left the gas on at home complains about the poor state of local tourist…
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Attack of the Hoons leaves mum reeling
Hoons. A purely Antipodean word which I am doing my darnedest to get into the English language. We call them boy racers, but why use that stale old term when you have the brutal beauty of “Hoon” to fall back on? Geelong Advertiser: Mum calls for action as hoon crashes car through her fence There is…
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Terrible Welsh translation on road sign leaves cyclists worried about their bladders
Welsh. One of the official languages of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. So you’d pretty much expect the authorities in areas where Welsh is spoken would actually employ somebody who can speak the language of [Editor: Add the names of famous Welsh people here, there’s a chap]. Not a hope. North…
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Resident in deep water with debt collectors after refusing to pay council tax
Here’s a photo to stir the heart of any supporter of Tottenham Hotspur: A Gooner behind bars. He’s decided not to pay a month’s worth of council tax because he claims somebody reversed into his wall while trying to avoid road closures. I’m not lawyer, but fat chance mate. Bournemouth Echo: Resident thinks the council should…
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Who’s dumping bottles into our school hedge?
Somebody’s dumping glass into a hedge near a Huddersfield school, and this chap fears for the safety of the kiddiewinks. Whisky. Wine. Empty marmalade jars. You know exactly what this is pointing to. Paddington Bear’s hit Skid Row. Huddersfield Daily Examiner: Who’s dumping empty bottles near junior school? Alternatively, it could be a smear campaign by…
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Yellow lines (don’t don’t do it)
They’ve painted some yellow lines in Alderney in the Channel Islands, and judging by the reaction it’s the worst thing to have happened there since the Nazi occupation. Probably even worse than that. But one thing we do know, it’s worse than custard, the yardstick by which anything is measured in that neck of the…
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Restaurant owner bans halal meat to fight ‘creeping shariah’ which doesn’t actually exist
He’s not racist but… This guy is banning halal meat to fight something which he admits he hasn’t actually encountered. And people have strong views about this, it turns out. Hull Daily Mail: Restaurant owner bans halal meat from his tapas bar because he fears it could lead to creeping shariah law in the Hull and…
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That time the DUP got angry about Rihanna running around a field topless
[WARNING] Contains a terrible grainy photograph of Rihanna running around a field topless. The DUP manifesto has been described as “basically just the bible, with fortnightly bin collections”. I feel this is unfair. They’ve made the busses run on time as well, and they only use the Old Testament. But now that the creationist misogynist anti-abortion…
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Man finds piece of string in his tomatoes could have been strangled
If you find something in your food that shouldn’t be there make sure you follow this one simple rule: Go to the papers before going back to the shop. That way you get more compo, and a lifetime supply of the very thing that tried to kill you. It’s a win-win, if you get the…