Blackpool: Twinned with a hole in the ground filled with turds and vomit where seagulls are eating the turds and vomit, and two drunks are fighting over who gets to punch the seagull. It’s a unique place, filled with …err… unique people, most of whom are trying to sell something to you that you didn’t…

This man has had enough of local pigeons perching on the railway bridge and pooing on the road below. I should pretty much think there’s a danger to kiddiewinks, which is the decisive factor in any local battle against the elements of nature. Lancashire Telegraph: Time to take action on pigeon poo (before a kiddiewink is…

People these days. Get a few hundred tiny and possibly fatal spiders on their fruit, and they’re running round in circles and going to the papers. Back in my day, we’d just sit quietly in a state of venom-induced paralysis until the effects wore off and go back to our daily lives. Plymouth Herald: Woman encounters…

There’s theft. There’s theft from kiddiewinks, which is low. There’s theft of garden gnomes from grannies, which should be punished by DEATH. Kent Online: Thieves make off with Rosemary’s priceless collection of Asda-brand garden gnomes Just look at her face, you bastards. May you lose your balance as you flog them at a local car boot…

Here’s a man who is posing angrily for his local newspaper, but has just remembered he’s left the gas on at home. It’s too late, mate. You’ve left the gas on at home. Newcastle Herald: Councillor who has just remembered that he’s left the gas on at home complains about the poor state of local tourist…

Hoons. A purely Antipodean word which I am doing my darnedest to get into the English language. We call them boy racers, but why use that stale old term when you have the brutal beauty of “Hoon” to fall back on? Geelong Advertiser: Mum calls for action as hoon crashes car through her fence There is…