American local news journalism is very different to its British cousin.

While we stick to the tried and tested top line >>> story >>> context format that has stood the test of time, US writers seem to think that every story is a potential Pulitzer Prize winner which needs to be told as an actual story.

Which is how we’ve ended up with this work of genius:

This tale as old as time has everything: Humanity, drama, family, jeopardy, death, and a mental, frothing raccoon that had to be sent back to its maker.

And here’s the full story including the killer (literally) quote: “I’ve never killed an animal with my bare hands. I’m a vegetarian.”

Bangor Daily News: Maine woman attacked by rabid raccoon drowns animal in puddle

Disclaimer: I have never killed a rabid raccoon in my life, but I have strangled out-of-control snakes on several occasions.