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That time the DUP got angry about Rihanna running around a field topless
[WARNING] Contains a terrible grainy photograph of Rihanna running around a field topless. The DUP manifesto has been described as “basically just the bible, with fortnightly bin collections”. I feel this is unfair. They’ve made the busses run on time as well, and they only use the Old Testament. But now that the creationist misogynist anti-abortion…
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Crisp factory worker collects crisps for a hobby
My world today was rocked – rocked – by the discovery of the biggest Hula Hoop I have ever seen in my 51 years on this Earth. If fact, it became a minor celebrity on Twitter after it was retweeted by some …err… minor celebrities. FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS. It was delicious. But then…
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Man finds piece of string in his tomatoes could have been strangled
If you find something in your food that shouldn’t be there make sure you follow this one simple rule: Go to the papers before going back to the shop. That way you get more compo, and a lifetime supply of the very thing that tried to kill you. It’s a win-win, if you get the…
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Nottingham hairdryer lady Jean Brooks becomes ‘national hero’
We got a bit of stick for our earlier post on the Nottingham lady who was slowing down local traffic by waving a hairdryer at passing cars. This was probably entirely deserved, not least because we described her as having “a face like a melted owl”. We went out and melted an owl by way…
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Teenager’s birthday balloon defies the odds
Local newspapers have – in most case – 32 pages to fill, and rarely 32 pages worth of news. That’s why some stories rarely cross the threshold of what you might actually call news. But dull news shifts papers, because people are, essentially, dull. Kent Online: Teenager’s helium balloon survives 18 long, long years Yeah, I…
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Nursery vandals make hi-vis kiddiewinks sad
Sad kiddiewinks and hi-vis tabards: Together at last. We have to admit that vandals-smash-up-nursery-school stories are ten a penny since smashing up nursery schools became a new Olympic sport, but the addition of hi-vis tabards takes this to a whole new level. Nottingham Post: Kiddiewinks forced to pull sad faces, wear hi-vis tabards after vandals smash…
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Woman locked in bank – now with video!
Poor Cat Slater. Not only does she have to go through life sharing a name with someone out of EastEnders (presumably with people bawling “YOU’RE NOT MY MUM!” at her), but she’s now become world famous around Manchester for getting locked in a bank. And, of course, the BBC is there: https://www.facebook.com/BBCNW/videos/1548928515138205/ In the words…
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Woman chains herself up in a bid to stop smoking
There’s desperation and there’s desperation. Then there’s this Aussie, who is so desperate to give up the smokes that she’s chained herself to the bed. With actual chains and everything. ABC News: Woman goes to extreme measures to give up smoking And what – we ask – happens if the house burns down? She’ll be inhaling…
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Man tries to pay fine in pennies five minutes before the office closes
Here’s your regular Joe, trying to get by in life, going into the council office to pay a fine for the rubbish in his garden. In pennies. At five minutes to five. He’s a bloody nuisance, isn’t he? Michigan Live: Disgruntled citizen attempts to pay $270 in pennies, told to sling his hook There are many…
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Resort visitors upset by fake dunny
The last thing you want when you’re running for the loo, the turtle’s head already touching cloth, is for the toilet to turn out not to be a toilet. You’d be so angry that – right after you’ve dumped your load behind the brightly-coloured pumping station – you’d go to the papers where you’d allow…