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Scottish junior football hit by Jobbygate scandal
It’s literally all kicking off in Scotland where a local football rivalry has exploded after the thoughtful gift of turds was not deemed acceptable. After being on the receiving end of a 7-0 drubbing and an on-pitch altercation, one former club official thought the appropriate response would be to send those involved a box of…
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Chef claims Asda has wrecked his life after his shopping order doesn’t show
Here’s a masterclass in local newspaper compo facing. Everything’s there. The cold, dead eyes. The thing that made you angry. And helpful pointing at the thing that made you angry. Portsmouth News: Gosport mobile chef furious after his Asda online shopping order isn’t delivered This story reads like the failure of Britain’s fourth best supermarket to…
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Want to feel old? It’s six years to the day that Fenton ran amok in Richmond Park
November 2011 was a more innocent age. An age where a dog could chase after a herd of deer and the only argument was over whether it was Fenton or Benton. And that age was six years ago today, where an internet meme could turn up one day and be completely forgotten the next. (But…
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From the archives: Local ‘character’ furious after finding a man doneing a poo in his front garden
Let’s wang back to the innocent days of November 2015, where a man’s east London idyll is ruined by a blatant laying of a cable on his private property. Robert Gray, who is described as a “Greenwich character” and bears a striking resemblance to my father seems rather miffed that you can’t grow a garden…
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Woman witnesses supermarket worker ‘wiping snot on her shopping’ and other celebrity lookalikes
Actually, we’re pretty sure this is either James Blunt or Nicholas Lyndhurst. The value of celebrity lookalikes may go down as well as up. Kent Live: Customer receives apology from Tesco after snotgate incident Yeah, our money’s on singer and former soldier James Blunt in a lovely wig and fake fur coat, perusing the offers in…
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Fear stalks the streets of New Zealand as avocado thieves strike and strike HARD
A spectre hangs over the Antipodes as fruit thieves move in under the cover of night to pilfer people’s avocados, the bastard of all fruits. With avocados selling for a brutal £1.50 a go, just to watch them over-ripen and turn to mush in your fruit bowl, people are resorting to desperate means to keep…
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Presenting the winner of “Dullest News Story of 2017” AND “Dullest Newspaper Photo Caption of 2017”
The phone rings in the editorial offices of the Bristol Post. “What?!” screams the editor down the line, “I’ll get our top reporter onto it RIGHT NOW.” “Scoops McGee – the shit’s hit the fan at the Cumberland basin. Get down there, get some pictures. The front page is all yours.” And that is how…
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Man’s massive marrows result in a visit from the Old Bill over terrorism fears
Everything’s terrorism these days. You can’t even grow a giant marrow without the bomb squad swinging by. So it’s hardly much of a surprise that one man’s harmless but highly competitive hobby of growing outsize vegetables have attracted the attention of the law. But, to be honest, it’s probably more to do with a huge…
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Clothes peg wearing citizens to get help with town’s fishy smell
We’re suckers for angry people with clothes pegs on their noses, and even more so when there’s a prop fish involved. Which means we’ve hit the jackpot with this story from Australia, where the smell of the now disused power station used to mask the smell of the dead fish. And now everything’s fishy, and…
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Quality Eat My Fart graffiti work turns local gas works site into a “disgrace”
Graffiti, when properly executed, can be an art form delivering a devastating message on the state of our civilisation. At other times it just says “Eat my fart”, and that is still – to some – a work of art. My drive to work took me under a railway bridge where nobody had the heart…