Christmas is RUINED: The 2021 collection, part three – now into the rolling vistas of UTTER RUINATION and FIRE

The Search for Spock of disappointing Christmases.

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Astonishingly, this isn’t a photo from the Hull Daily Mail about a couple who are furious because their festive tube of Pringles had a dead mouse inside and Christmas is RUINED, it’s a BBC promo image from the Two Doors Down Christmas special.

Top tip: If your Christmas is RUINED, follow the professionals and pose like this for the local paper.

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Manchester Evening News: Christmas is RUINED after local Winter Wonderland event is branded an actual shit show

Top tip: Don’t RUIN Christmas by organising a winter wonderland event that is an actual shit show. Think of the kiddiewinks for the love of Cliff.

And to marks to the kiddiewink here for the “Rescue me from this mess” look on his face. You’re going on the extra-super-nice list.

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Oxford Mail: Christmas is RUINED as sweet baby Jebus is stolen from his crib

Lancashire Evening Post: Christmas is RUINED as sweet baby Jebus escapes

Top tip: Try not to worry too much about this. He comes back at Easter.

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Watford Observer: Christmas is RUINED as parcel is shoved up a snowman’s arse

Top tip: To avoid Christmas RUINATION, provide a safe place for postie to leave your parcels. This will prevent your anthropomorphic garden decorations from being violated.

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Brighton Argus: Christmas is RUINED as school’s alleged festive lunch is a disappointingly filled bread roll and a chocolate cake

Top tip for teachers: Avoid RUINING Christmas for the kiddiewinks by simply feeding them.

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Stoke Sentinel: Christmas is RUINED because of this shit Christmas tree

Top tip: Don’t get a shit Christmas tree, you’re not Charlie Brown.

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Northampton Chronicle: Christmas is RUINED as local yoot yeet eggs at Santa

Top tip: Try not to make your Santa look like a prematurely aged Hagrid, making poor terrified kids innocently hurl eggs at Father Christmas in surprise and alarm.

And yes. YEET.

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Kent Online: Christmas is RUINED after thieves make off with village’s Christmas tree, local press turns up to take a photograph of no trees at all

Top tip: Prevent your local Christmas tree from being stolen by simply decorating it with anvils, thus making it far too heavy to steal. Your thieves, having RUINED their backs, will find their Christmas RUINED.

Then simply wait outside local doctors surgeries and attack anybody going in with a bad back with an iron bar, thus meting out summary justice on the ne’er-do-wells.

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Kent Messenger: Christmas is RUINED for oldiewonks as council tell them not to hang wreaths on their doors in retirement home

Top tip: Christmas would be even RUINEDER if there was a fire and you all got murdered in your beds.

Top tip 2: Don’t say the council’s concern for fire safety is “like the Gestapo”, because it isn’t like the Gestapo, you idiot.

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BBC News: Christmas is RUINED as Sweden’s straw Christmas goat goes up in flames

Top tip: Try not to RUIN Christmas by making your goat out of something that doesn’t catch fire. Also, don’t tempt fate by going round saying things like “This is going to be the best Christmas Walford’s ever seen”.

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Daily Mirror: Christmas is RUINED after B&M Bargains refuse refund on Christmas tree after mum foregets to water it

Top tip: Christmas has become a festival of consumerism and you should perhaps consider the sustainability of your purchases and behaviour for the good of the planet. Also, remember to water your tree.

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A classic from 2016:

Daily Mirror: Christmas is RUINED after shopping centre Santa promises kiddiewink £400 Lego Death Star

Top tip: When this happens, UNRUIN Christmas by going to the papers with your best compo face.

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Need more CHRISTMAS IS RUINED content? It’s your lucky day.

Christmas 2021 is RUINED – Part One

Christmas 2021 is RUINED – Part Two: The Wrath of Santa

Christmas 2018 is RUINED – I dunno, electric boogaloo or something

Christmas 2017 is RUINED – The Phantom Menace, I’m just making it up now

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