Christmas is RUINED: The 2021 collection, part two – Christmas is RUINEDER

Christmas is still RUINED

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Part One of Christmas is RUINED 2021 is over here.

The best non-Christmas is RUINED stories from December are over here.

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Liverpool Echo: Christmas is RUINED after kiddiewink finds chocolates inside her alleged luxury advent calendar aren’t very big at all

Top tip: Save your Christmas from being RUINED by a disappointing advent calendar by simply buying one from a pound store, and 24 full-size chocolate bars.

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The Manc: Christmas is RUINED after Santa is abducted from a church

Top tip: To avoid Christmas RUINATION, simply nail your Santa hand and foot to two pieces of wood. Oh wait, that’s Jebus.

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Plymouth Herald: Christmas is RUINED as feral kids pelt Santa with eggs

Top tip: Deter feral kids from RUINING Christmas by simply employing a posse of heavily-armed goons from Russian mercenary company Wagner. If it all goes wrong, you can simply deflect criticism by blaming anti-Russia media narratives pushed by NATO members.

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Glasgow Live: Christmas is RUINED as mum pays £85 for a ‘Grinch visit’, only for the Grinch to turn up, wreck her house and RUIN Christmas

Top-tip: Don’t pay £85 for some random to come round and wreck your house and RUIN your Christmas. That’s what kids are for.

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My London: Christmas is RUINED after punter loses her £685 designer trainers at the Hyde Park Winter Wonderland

Top tip: Always wear your expensive Balenciagas to a Christmas-themed event, as letting somebody else take possession of them in exchange for a pair of high-quality Primarks will prevent their Christmas from being RUINED. A wonderful act of charity that puts you immediately on Santa’s nice list.

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Crawley Observer: Christmas is RUINED as vandals steal sweet baby Jebus from the manger

Top tip: Don’t steal sweet baby Jebus from your local nativity scene as this will incur the actual Wrath of God, and having your face melt off like an ark-stealing Nazi will undoubtedly RUIN your Christmas. Also somebody’s going to have to clean the mess up, and it will probably be your mum, whose Christmas will also be RUINED.

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Manchester Evening News: Christmas is RUINED after kiddiewink sticks up two fingers during the school nativity play

Top tip: Do not attempt to ask how many turkey twizzlers your kiddiewink wants for his tea when he gets home, because he might signal the fact that he wants two. Or worse still, just the one.

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Leicester Mercury: Christmas is RUINED as retailer dumps entire stock of festive jumpers because penis

Top tip: Avoid ruining Christmas for customers by simply not designing clothing that won’t make them look like a bell-end.

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Nottingham Post: Christmas is RUINED as vandals repeatedly attack Santa display

Top tip: Avoid Christmas ruination by employing a double hard biker to sit in for your fake Santa, paying him £600 for every vandal’s leg he breaks.

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Essex Echo: Christmas is RUINED season wouldn’t be Christmas is RUINED season without people’s Christmas being RUINED by a shoddy winter wonderland

Top tip: Try lowering your expectations. Arrive at the park expecting a drunken Santa, grumpy elves and queues that go all the way to Southend seafront. Anything else is a bonus. Alternatively, set fire to £20 notes and stand out in the cold for the whole afternoon.

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Birmingham Mail: Christmas is RUINED for kiddiewinks in Solihull as parents mistakenly book Santa’s grotto visits at similarly-named garden centre on Guernsey. Thanks Santa, kids are crying now (sad kiddiewink photo posed by professional model)

Top tip: Avoid Christmas RUINATION by simply having a basic knowledge of the geography of the British Isles.

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And to celebrate RUINED Christmases from years past:

The Guardian: Inside the shoddy Winter Wonderland events which repeatedly RUIN Christmas, and thanks Santa kids are crying

Top tip: Don’t pay a million pounds for Winter Wonderland events that promise a delightful Lapland on a local scrap of land previously only known for its prodigious piles of fly-tipping and dog shit. Your Christmas will be RUINED.

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