We are indebted this morning to the South China Morning Post, Hong Kong’s newspaper of record, for the news that a gentleman was arrested trying to cross the border into China with a rucksack full of low quality grumble DVDs. It’s not immediately clear which direction he was travelling, but the discs are now in…

As regular readers will be aware, we’re all about minimums standard for things around here. Houses not built on old Indian burial grounds Shower gel that doesn’t set your genitals on fire And now police officers capable of a successful nick and prosecution from a 4mph chase that lasted for half an hour The Bolton…

To Leicestershire, where local officials have slammed the doors shut on the local public toilets after the discovery that they are the centre of some sort of sordid vegetable sex ring. While getting your five a day should be an important part of your diet, the local council in Sileby, near Loughborough don’t think that…

What is the world coming to? You can’t even say the words “cat’s eyes” in the context of road safety without some idiot thinking they’re made out of real cat’s eyes. Which they are. [This is a joke, they’ve used sheep for years as a far cheaper alternative] But now, those pencil-necked desk-jockeys at Suffolk…

I’m going to put it out there. Animals are ungrateful bastards. You try to do one a good turn, and in return they try to eat your face. Ungrateful animals have tried to eat my face on many occasions, and I’ve lost count of the number of times that dog has pissed on my foot…

I think we can all agree that fly-tippers are scum. Especially when they dump their rubbish in a field and disguise it as a dead horse so they can make good their getaway from the council officers who are without doubt hot on their heels, and not signing on at the local Job Centre Plus…

What kind of sick bastard cuts the heads off dinosaurs? There are few enough of them about as it is without lunatics coming along and taking an angle grinder to their necks. Just look at these poor bastards. SBS Australia: Vandals chop the heads off three velociraptors at the National Dinosuar Museum Luckily, the authorities are…

If aliens are indeed trying to contact us, surely they’d leave a more obvious sign than abducting strange people and putting probes up their bottoms? At last, they have. Behold, the Great Armidale Central Shopping Centre Car Park Trolley Circle in Australia. Mudgee Guardian: Aliens leave a sign that they want two-for-one bargains and a quality store…

This classic story has arrived in our inbox yet again, so we thought it best that we stick it up on the website here and save it for the ages. Lord knows if it’s true or not, but – frankly – who cares? It has everything you hope for in a news story, but boils…

It’s Paratrooper Day in Russia, where drunken paratroopers gather in Moscow’s Gorky Park and get very, very drunk. OK, Russian paratroopers get very, very drunk every day, but today isn’t on the company’s time. So, enter Russia’s NTV television channel, who are doing a piece to camera about the festivities, and – frankly – it…