Royal Wedding Dull News Extravaganza Part IV: A New Hope

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Only one day to go, and still the dull royal wedding news keeps on coming.

And unless it goes completely Albert Square, that’ll be the last we hear of it.

Part One

Part Two

Part Three

York Press: Local woman and her cuddly toys quite looking forward to the royal wedding

That’s the real Harry and Meghan accompanied by the real Queen and the real William and Kate.

They always come with a crease that’s normally photoshopped out by the Palace press office. Not a lot of people know that.

I can see you hiding at the back, Hamble. Come out and get what’s coming to you.

Meanwhile, in Essex…

Colchester Gazette: Man with far too much time on his hands sends wedding message in grass form

“He was commissioned by bookmakers Ladbrokes to mow the picture of the royal couple into farmland in Braintree.”

Ah-ha.

Get Reading: The royal wedding is here – in guinea pig form

As a former resident of Tilehurst, I can only apologise.

However, the guinea pig vicar is clearly the world’s best vicar, so everyone’s a winner.

Meanwhile, in Wiltshire…

Wiltshire Times: Something something peeled their faces off and wore them like masks something

And…

Wiltshire Times: Harry and Meghan are back, but this time in biscuit form

Tasty snacks, guaranteed to be 100% Illuminati lizard-free.

And in Cornwall, home of the lizard people…

Cornwall Live: Royal wedding Top Trumps

The irony being that Trump wasn’t invited. Suck on that, Nazi Wotsit.

Warrington Guardian: Meghan Markle lookalikes are a thing now

I forgot there’d be lookalikes.

It doesn’t matter if you’re male or female. If you’ve got long dark hair, you’re in.

Eastern Daily Press: Market stall in Norwich to sell battered wedding cake on Saturday

Our tip to you: Steer clear of Norwich market, unless you are an accomplished defibrillator sales executive.

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