Best of APILN 2022: The disgruntled consumer selection

Angry customers are the bread and butter of Angry People in Local Newspapers, especially if the bread is mouldy, and the butter’s been up a dog’s bottom. So much so, that our wildly popular Best Of post couldn’t do the disgruntled consumers of 2022 justice. So here we are, and let’s start with the film of the year: Top Hun.


Daily Record: Angry mum slams BM after her £20-per-roll sparkly wallpaper won’t stick to her walls

Wallpaper is the spawn of Satan at the best of times, so our advice is to rip it all off and stencil a great big Live Laugh Love on the wall.

Look at us offering common sense solutions.


Liverpool Echo: Family fear they’ll be eating Christmas dinner on the floor after DFS loses their sofa

On the floor, except for those lucky enough to be sitting at the dining room table that is featured in a subsequent and extremely cursed photograph.




Kent Messenger: Dad absolutely furious with ASDA after his seven-year-old son is allowed to buy a lottery scratchcard

Billy Mitchell Out Of EastEnders here was so angry that he played the scratchy to see if he’d won.

We can only assume that he did not.


Lancashire Live: Mum furious after Aldi refused to sell her Newcastle Brown because she was shopping with her kids

“It’s a gentleman’s drink, it’s not something you’d find kids drinking in a park.”

Them’s the rules, and you’re barred.


Liverpool Echo: Man says his car has ‘a mind of its own’ and it is only a matter of time before it achieves sentience and turns on its fleshy master

“I nearly gave an old lady a heart attack the other day. I turned the car on and the radio blasted so loud that it deafened me and she suddenly screamed, fell over and hit the wall. She shouted at me “what the f****** hell are you doing you stupid b******””

Things have got so bad, the car has gone and parked itself on the pavement.

The British remake of Knight Rider is looking RUBBISH.


Stoke Sentinel: Angry Alan (for that is his name) is furious that a furniture company sent a corner piece for his sofa in the wrong colour

He’s so angry that he cannot face being in the same room with the accursed thing, so here he is in a dentist’s waiting room.


And still in Stoke…

Stoke Sentinel: Barry boycotts Oak Furnitureland after row over his three-year-old suite

I see your problem here Barry – I’ve taken a close look at the photographs, and it grieves me to report that you have purchased a suite of living room furniture made out of leather, rather than solid, sturdy British oak.

It’s honestly a mistake that any one of us could have made.


And still in Stoke, it must be something in the water…

Stoke Sentinel: Desperate Dan (for that is his name, his parents being fans of The Dandy) left FUMMIN after Just Eat spills Coke all over his McDonald’s order

“I had just got back from an eight-hour shift, I was hungry, and desperate for food. I had to spend more money to go out and get another takeaway.”

The struggle is real.


Metro: Man issues warning to others after burning his arse on flushable toilet wipes

I’d say ‘We’ve all done it’, but I for one have not.

“The Active Flushable Toilet Wipes he was using says ‘Makes toilets sparkle’ but makes no mention of anuses.”

As a rule, product packaging rarely does mention arses, but if a new law, The Don’t Stick Things Up You Arse Bill 2023 passes Parliament – a direct result of this tragic tale – then this could be likely to change.


And speaking of too much information…

Manchester Evening News: Mum has regrets after buying cheap toilet paper that left her ‘needing an ice pack for her ruined arse’

“Like holly leaves to the point you possibly require an ice lolly or ice cubes to help soothe the sharp paper texture that exfoliates you whilst you wipe.”

Yeah, far too much information.

You know what they say – buy cheap, pay wipe twice.


Kent Online: Apology for Thom Yorke out of Radiohead after finding a tooth in his Fray Bentos Adequate Meat Pie

After being LET DOWN, he just wants to eat his tea with NO SURPRISES, eh readers?!!!111


Northampton Chronicle: Mum left FUMMIN after her young lad pays £8 for a bag of Cheetos in one of those American Candy stores

Two problems here:

  1. She let her lad spend money in one of those American Candy stores
  2. Those American Candy stores with their rip-off prices exist

Both of these problems have now been solved with the store’s (hardly surprising, they have the lifespan of a mayfly) subsequent closure. But eight sheets for a bag of crisps? This is why kids need to learn ‘money literacy’ before they go out and do something stupid, like paying full price on a DFS sofa.

Little bit of politics there, my name’s Ben Elton – goodnight.