2022. Among the 2022 years since the world was created (please check – Ed), it was certainly one of them. And through the medium of “forgetting to write down the best local news stories of the year”, we have spent actual days searching out the best local news stories of the year.
For those of you interested in journalism, this is EXACTLY how all year-end lists are compiled, because nobody gets their shit together in January to start a list, and by the time it’s December it’s too late so they get the office junior to go back through the archives.
We are the latter. And everybody mentioned wins a prize.
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Actually, we only drive up the grass verge a little bit of the year
Southern Daily Echo: Residents furious at plans to put bollards where the only occasionally drive over the pavement, and up a formerly grassy bank in order to park outside their homes
As you can see, they only resort to this tactic every now and then because they have been left with no alternative, or something.
This is our APILN Photo of the Year.
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‘That’s not what it says on your T-shirt, mate’ of the year
Derby Telegraph: Fears for the safety of the kiddiewinks on busy road
That’s not what it says on your T-shirt, mate.
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Going to the press didn’t work out exactly as planned of the year
Cornwall Live: Parents livid and go to the papers after their lad is thrown out of school prom after just an hour
The claim: M’laddo missed an exam and was ‘a bit naughty’, but they spent a fortune on a suit, shoes and a car, so he shouldn’t have missed out on his big day.
The college: “In this instance, the student in question neither paid for a ticket nor pre-ordered food and therefore was not expected to attend. If he had attempted to pay for a ticket or pre-order food, he would have been politely declined at that point due to our aforementioned policies.”
The comments: Unforgiving.
The lesson: Think of the fallout before you go to the press, dammit.
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The word ‘forced’ doing all the heavy lifting of the year
Birmingham Mail: Grandad FORCED to do the school run in the rain because his brand new Land Rover is still in the factory
Those no-good scuzzballs at Land Rover, hiding behind their ‘global chip shortage’ excuse, laughing to themselves about forcing this chap to stand out in the rain on an empty drive, hoping that today will be the day that his new car will arrive. It does not. As far as we know, he’s still there.
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Done A Poo of the Year
Southern Star: Something about eco-farming
The thing about eco-farming is that nothing is wasted, more than adequately illustrated by these gentlemen demonstrating their mulching technique.
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You can’t fool me, that’s a horse’s willy of the year
Wales Online: Mum blasts Toby Carvery over ridiculous footlong hotdog
You can’t fool me madam, that is clearly a horse’s willy.
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I only broke the law a tiny bit of the year
Manchester Evening News: Woman furious at having to pay £150 for throwing sandwich crusts for the pigeons
You might – as Phil Daniels says in the song Parklife – get enormous satisfaction from feeding the pigeons and sometimes the sparrows, but there’s also a council litter warden wanting to get his enormous satisfaction by writing out a ticket.
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Fake nun of the year
Belfast Telegraph: Fake nun banned from monastery over her fake nun shenanigans
READERS: Do not get seduced into becoming a fake nun. It’s a bad habit to get into.
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Christmas is RUINED of the year
Worcester News: Christmas is RUINED after Santa is given a parking ticket in Worcester High Street
As ever, the Christmas is RUINED is bulging larger than Santa’s sack, but this one gets the prize on account of the fact that they’ve dragged Barry From EastEnders into it.
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Well that sucks of the year
Wales Online: Woman who thought that she had won the jackpot on the lottery had not won the jackpot on the lottery
Well, that sucks.
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Pointing at something that isn’t there of the year
Malvern Gazette: Former darts player wants landlords to pay for a sign so that people can find his bungalow
Quality pointing at something that isn’t there (the sign telling people where to find his bungalow), rather than something that is actually there (his bungalow).
Also quality “pay for it yourself” from the landlords, because landlords.
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Animal-based hyperbole of the year
Daily Record: Family flee their home after bat invasion
Not just bats, but “winged creatures”, “tarantulas with wings”, and “frightening creatures”.
But it was very kind of billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne to donate a Bat Box, clearly labelled “Bat Box”. Where would we be without billionaires?
Ah yes. Happier, that’s where.
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Disgruntled traveller of the year
Ouch. Also, an award-worthy pose-with-your-cases that is the LAW of disgruntled traveller stories.
Honourable mentions go to:
Huddersfield Examiner: Woman ‘forced’ to sleep in Spanish airport after Ryanair said her hand luggage was too big
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BUT MY CAR of the year
Waltham Forest Echo: Residents block road to stop council from painting double yellow lines
Another crowded field, but this comes after the fire service says they couldn’t get a vehicle down the road because the road is too narrow with cars parked on both sides. But, yes, BUT MY CAR trumps not dying horribly in a house fire. You go right ahead.
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Prisoners in our own home of the year
North Wales Live: Couple say they are prisoners in their own homes because of psycho seagulls
Yet there you are. Outside.
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Angry celebrity of the year
Essex Live: Sir Rod Stewart fixes potholes in the road near his house because he can’t get his Ferrari through
Fair play to Sir Rod, who did the job because “nobody else could be bothered to do it”. I suppose driving down there is plain (oh-ho!) SAILING now!!!!!!!!!
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Angry taxi driver of the year
Manchester Evening News: Taxi driver is FUMMIN over parking ticket slapped on his car after doing a good turn for a blind passenger
Your regular reminder that the default setting for taxi drivers is FUMMIN, so this is the pick from a very crowded field.
And of course, it’s just another round in that eternal battle: Taxi Drivers vs Pencil-Neck Desk Jockeys At The Council.
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Childish vandalism of the year
Wiltshire Live: Local wags alter banner advertising walking festival
I’m going to put it out there that the sign never said ‘walking’ in the first place, and this was merely a long overdue correction.
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Are You My Mummy? of the year
Cornwall Live: Legal case launched against UK Government over pumping of raw sewage into the sea and rivers
Fair play to Surfers Against Sewage for this marvellous, award-worthy photograph.
Honourable mention:
Stuff.nz: Man wears heavy-duty face mask to cover up smell coming from local sewage works
Contains the epic quote “You’d just say 200 people have done a shit in your lounge”.
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Gimp angry about another gimp’s gimping of the year
Essex Live: Essex gimp says the Somerset gimp is giving gimps a bad name
You didn’t see this. Keep scrolling.
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Local character of the year
Manchester Evening News: Man puts up barricade to stop school-run parents from parking near his house. Also, neighbours, the bin lorry, emergency services
Some might call him ‘a bit of a local character’ Others might call him ‘a bit of a nobber’.
Your choice.
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Reporter going out and doing normal things of the year
Surrey Live: Reporter tries out local phone boxes, was not impressed
There was only going to be one winner here – Surrey Live’s Dave Bradshaw, who was let out into the wilds of Guildford to do normal things, and reporting back to say that he didn’t like them much.
Not only that, but his “I’m not impressed” face is right on fleek, as the cool kids no longer say.
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Over-reaction of the year
Wales Online: Man claims that his neighbours built a wall on his land expresses his fury through petty vandalism and shoddy signs
How shoddy are his shoddy signs? This shoddy:
That is quite shoddy.
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Kiddiewinks FUMMIN at those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council of the year
Stoke Sentinel: Kiddiewinks FUMMIN at those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council after ‘sub-standard’ playing equipment is removed
Those killjoys, let those kids play on sub-standard and possibly dangerous playground equipment. It is – after all – all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Then it’s a lesson to everybody.
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Vows never to return of the year
Liverpool Echo: Woman vows never to return to Lidl after staff member accuses her of stealing a single cashew nut
It may be a single nut to you, but if these things aren’t nipped in the bud, it’ll be a Vanguard Class nuclear submarine from the middle aisle and who knows where that will end? Nuclear war, that’s where.
Honourable mention:
Lincolnshire Live: Man vows never to return to Skegness, would rather go to prison than pay parking fine
I, too, have vowed never to return to Skegness. No reason except it’s a craphole.
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The one you’ve all been waiting for: Cat of the year
South Wales Argus: ‘Big cat’ spotted in a park in Caerphilly
Cat.
Honourable mention:
Salisbury Journal: ‘Huge panther’ spotted in man’s back garden
Also Cat.
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Literal pose of the year, sponsored by Legs & Co
In case you were wondering about the mushrooms, it’s because they are being kept in the dark and fed shit.
Yet there they are outside, where light abounds, and not able to eat anything on account of the gags.
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Disgruntled customer of the year
Kent Messenger: Dad absolutely livid after Asda sells his seven-year-old son a lottery scratchcard
So angry, in fact, he played the scratchy to see if it was a winner before going to the press. Priorities.
This category was so crowded that we’ve done a separate gallery featuring the best of 2022’s disgruntled consumers.
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Why oh why if there is a god, why does he let bad things happen to people doing a good turn of the year
And he’s quite angry about it.
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Bad photoshop job of the year
Western Telegraph: Plans for a community garden drag on for a 257th consecutive year, members of the council appear as ghosts wielding a plank of wood
Absolutely seamless photoshop job.
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Well well if it isn’t the consequence of my own actions of the year
Kent Messenger: Man who put realistic-looking postbox outside his house would quite like locals to stop using it as a postbox
I have literally no idea why people would mistake it for an actual, official Royal Mail postbox. No idea at all.
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Dull story of the year
Lynn News: New bus shelter
Citizens rejoice!
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Cursed News Photo of the year
It’s almost as if she’s there, staring down the camera lens and right into your soul.
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Ad board of the year
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Front page of the year
Well played, the Dundee Evening Telegraph.
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And hold the front page – we’ve already had the best local news photograph of 2023.
Daily Record: Family left FUMMIN after most of their massive KFC order goes missing
This, dear reader, is what Angry People in Local Newspapers is all about.
An aggrieved family, gathered together in the presence of a local news photographer to illustrate their fury through the medium of empty plates and full-on compo faces.
If I were Colonel Sanders, I’d be back in my bunker now, hiding from these people.
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That’s your lot.
I’m needy, so please share.
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