For the best of this year’s Christmas is RUINED stories, click here.

____________________

Gloucestershire Live: Bomb Squad called to local hospital after man gets a WW2 shell stuck up his bumhole

The old “I was cataloging my large collection of wartime memorabilia in the nude, and I slipped and fell onto this large artillery weapon, sharp-end first” excuse. We’ve all done it.

____________________

Wokingham Today: Council paints yellow lines under cars, slaps cars with parking tickets

A superb money-raising effort by Wokingham Borough Council that can only be applauded in these days of tight council budgets.

____________________

Two related stories in the space of a week:

Wales Online: Man ‘facing bankruptcy’ because he didn’t know he needed planning permission for the scaffolding yard he’s built in a field

See also:

Wales Online: Scaffolding man’s grandfather told to demolish his ‘barn’ after those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council rule that it’s a house

I know where you can get some scaffolding, mate.

____________________

Kent Online: ‘Who put a novelty penis dust cap on my car?’

It could be worse. Somebody once put a car on my novelty penis.

____________________

Oxford Mail: Man creates ‘Poo bags of Oxford’ calendar, because why the hell not

The ideal Christmas gift for somebody you really, really, hate.

____________________

New Milton Advertiser: ‘It’s like living in ‘Putin’s Russia’ say couple after they’re fined for parking their car over two spaces

You have to admit that the new film version of Cold War spy drama Smiley’s People is looking pretty damn good.

____________________

Devon Live: Turned up for school with your hair looking like that? HOME YOU GO!

A return to classic HOME YOU GO reporting, after we vowed we’d stop doing them.

____________________

Dorset Live: Grandmother is left ‘spitting feathers’ after those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council fine her £400 for flytipping after she leaves box out for her son to take to the tip

Degree of difficulty: Son is a serving police officer, and I’m reminded of the story of the traffic copper who was so ruthless at his job that he booked his own granny for speeding on the Basingstoke ring road.

____________________

Nottingham Post: New counter-terrorism measures on Nottingham Forest match days leave local residents ‘trapped’

“What if my husband got to the gate and needed to go for a wee?” – I’m certain that Islamic State will wave him through. A man’s gotta go.

______________________