You might be a global superstar, but you’re just like everybody else. One minor disaster and you’re off to the local rag.

And here’s a group of people who have done the same.

Plus a cat.

And bad poetry.

And a very cursed doll.

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Manchester Evening News: ‘Local character’ sets up his own road blocks to prevent parents from parking their cars down his road during the school run

I’m sure he’s got the full backing of his neighbours.

“But his neighbours have a different opinion on the matter. Many on the street do not believe the parking is too bad and see Derek as the problem, not the parents at the school.“

Ah.

And of course, with any local character story, they’ve quite enjoyed their time in the spotlight and gone back for more.

Manchester Evening News: ‘Local character’ who was told to take down barricades to stop school run parking reveals plan to install a lake instead

“I have upset enough people but I just don’t care now. I don’t know where this leaves me with the neighbours now. This just makes me more determined to carry on.”

Dear Sir, after some consideration and discussions with our local parish priest, we have decided to take you off our Christmas card list.

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The Stray Ferret: Man is so angry that the council has twice missed his recycling that he’s going to mulch his own lawn

*not sexy slang

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Stoke Sentinel: Woman waits seven months for new DFS sofa, doesn’t like it

I see your problem, you spent £3,000 on a sofa from DFS.

Easy mistake to make.

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Liverpool Echo: Fella turned away from a bar for being ‘too old’

When all you want is a pint and a place to stay out of the rain, and the bouncer’s all ‘You’re not coming in being all wrinkled and that’. I hope they get the runs.

Anyway, there’s a happy ending:

Liverpool Echo: Fella gets multiple invitations to go out for a pint after ‘too old’ snub

People, by and large, are not terrible.

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We don’t do ‘journalist does normal thing’ stories, but:

Get Surrey: Journalist was today years old when she found out that if you turn up in three cars at somewhere you have to pay for parking, they charge you PER CAR

Oh to be so young and naive and innocent and working for a regional news site. I’d write about the time I saw a leopard, which turned out to be my neighbour’s cat.

Because it’s always a cat.

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Norwich Evening News: Cat

See?

Also:

Daily Star: That’s not the Loch Ness Monster, it’s an alpaca

Alpacat.

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Daily Record: Man living in the last flat on a street that is due to be demolished is angry that the council isn’t keeping up with the maintenance

Some very unsound advice for you, my man:

Declare yourself king of the street, which is now an independent nation.

Then negotiate a binding treaty with the pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council to come over the border and cut the grass.

It’s the only language they know.

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Colchester Gazette: Residents unhappy over plans for new 5G mast

[John Peel voice] “And that was the new one from Fifteen Metre Monopole, their snappily-titled 5G Rots Your Brain Do Your Own Research EP is out next Monday”.

Note that Fifteen Metre Monopole were previously Sixteen Metre Monopole until the original bass player left.

Hull Daily Mail: Woman stages sit-in to prevent 5G pole installation

Wanna feel old? This is what the bass-player from 16 Metre Monopole looks like today.

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Daily Mirror: German couple take neighbours to court over noisy cockerel

They’re saying that cockerel is “ten decibels quieter than a welder”.

So that’s the new standard of noise measurement. If you have any difficulties understanding this, look up “Welders” in your Yellow Pages to ask for a free demonstration.

No point asking me, I’m not a welder you know.

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We love a ‘vows never to return’ story, and this is the Vows Never To Returniest.

Cornwall Live: Family vows never to return to Cornwall after picking up a parking fine every day of the holiday

The nub of the story is that the carp arking* was always free on previous visits, but now you have to pay, and they didn’t, every day.

Just so you know how far eyes rolled back in the Cornwall Live newsroom, the story contains the line: “In a long letter to CornwallLive”, which speaks volumes at how furious they are and how deep is their non-return vow.

And yes, the fury runs deep. Click through for highlights of this epic rant.

*Carp arking is the art of saving fish from a forty day dry spell by putting them in the huge fish tank God told you to build.

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Poem of the week, is once again from Sandra of Derby, who turns her thoughts to the England Lionesses becoming Champions of Europe.

Here style – torture a line to death in the search for a rhyme is both unique in the world of verse, and enough to give you a blinding headache.

And now that the Derby Telegraph has made eye contact with this raw new talent, we cn only look forward to more of the same.

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And finally…

Hull Daily Mail: Urban explorer finds this very cursed doll, is now himself cursed, and now you are too

Don’t have nightmares.

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