That’s not what it says on your T-shirt, mate

This is what happens when you don’t update the site for a few weeks – it gets backed up with crap like a pair of Y-fronts stuck in a sewer pipe. Where’s my biggest prodding stick?

Here we go, the best of Angry People in Local Newspapers of November 2022 (so far).


Lancs Live: Woman is furious after being refused alcohol in Aldi because she was shopping with her kids

‘It’s a gentleman’s drink, it’s not something you’d find kids drinking in a park’

That comes as news to me, and the local parks department.

Anyway, she’s holding one of the new jeroboam sized bottles of Broon that holds six pints. That’s why it’s so big.


Cornwall Live: Sad local councillor says this is the crappest kiddiewinks’ playground in Cornwall

If you, like me, are an eleven year old in an adult’s body, click through to see a crudely drawn cock at the very top of the slide where Councillor Sadface is sitting.


Kent Online: Owners claim that their Nissan Qashqai ‘has a mind of its own’

I’m really not thinking much of this Channel Five reboot of Knight Rider, to be honest.


Actually, I feel quite sad for them of the week

Liverpool Echo: Couple spend £1,000 on a hotel break in an establishment owned by Britannia Hotels, realise too late that it makes a hovel look like the Taj Mahal

“Dad said… he wouldn’t even put a dying dog in there.”

And in the most charmingly English way possible, the oldies decided to grin and bear it, because they “didn’t want to cause a scene”.

Britannia Hotels were recently named by consumer rights magazine Which? as Britain’s worst hotel chain for the TENTH year in a row. The utter shower.


BINS of the week

Southern Daily Echo: Man is FUMMIN because his garden waste bin hasn’t been emptied for two months

“Now it’s too wet to cut the grass and my bin is still full. It’s just slush at the bottom of that bin. It’s just composting at this point.”

Surely, sir, that is the whole point?


Bournemouth Echo: Camper van owner says ticket for parking across dropped kerb is ‘blatant discrimination’

Of course it’s discrimination. It’s blatant discrimination against people who park their camper vans across dropped kerbs when they shouldn’t.


Vows Never To Return of the week

Liverpool Echo: Nurse vows never to return to Lidl after staff accuse her of eating a single cashew nut

It might be just one nut to you, but before you know it, punters will be taking bites out of chainsaws and air fryers in the middle aisle of dreams ‘just to check they aren’t stale’.

It’s a slippery slope, and we’re sorry that it took a staff member to (oh-ho!) cashew (catch you!!!!) to find out.


Brighton Argus: Area man is shocked – SHOCKED – to discover that his new passport still mentions the Queen, even though she’s dead

Just wait until he finds out who’s on the bank notes – his head is gonna burst!


Reykjavik Grapevine: Abject fury over different typefaces for road signs in Iceland’s capital

This is the kind of pointless rage we can all get behind, and it’s a shame we had to travel to the very edge of civilisation to find it. Did Hagar the Horrible die in vain?


Cat of the week

Yorkshire Post: Jogger sees big cat on the prowl in fields near Wakefield

Beware the Beast of Wakefield! It’ll have your face off without you even knowing it, it’s 12 feet tall and shoots laser beams out of its eyes, and instead of a mouth it’s got four arses.

Yeah, Ok. Cat.


Vows never to return of the week, part two

Hartlepool Mail: Man still deciding on whether or not to ever return to Whitby over parking fine

“Parking in Whitby is very much like making love to a beautiful woman [Hideous details go here, got nothing]”


Derby Telegraph: Area man goes to local newspaper to say he has fears over road safety due to ‘rat run’ drivers

Fears? That’s not what it says on your T-shirt, mate.

The more eagle-eyed among you may recall that this is the repeat of a joke from five years ago.

That’s not what it says on your T-shirt, mate.


Pearl-clutching horror of the week

Hampshire Chronicle: The genteel city of Winchester reels in horror as low quality signs appear, throwing shade on your mum

I’m starting a GoFundMe appeal to get a shipment of smelling salts, tea and biscuits to the poor residents. This is the worst thing ever to happen in Winchester since that last worst thing to happen in Winchester, which was probably all our fault if we’re going to be honest.

Please, send your gift of love urgently, otherwise southern England’s upper middle classes may never recover.


You can’t park there mate of the week

Birmingham Mail: Range Rover ends up in a canal lock in Tipton

“You can’t park there, mate”

And Tipton, you say? It looks like he (oh-ho!) TIPTON (tipped in!!!!) himself!!!!!!


Daily Star: I became best friends with a seagull who betrayed me, bit me on the nose, knocked out my veneer and trashed my flat

How many times have we heard this sad, sad story?

Girl befriends evil sky rat, evil sky rat turns on girl, evil sky rat messes up her face, her home and everything she holds dear, evil sky rat regurgitates crabs all over the gaffe.

Also, he has tasted human flesh, and will return, demanding more, in greater numbers.


Odds and sods of the week

It’s always the last place you look, isn’t it?

Meanwhile in Australia: “Brace yourself Sheila, I’m taking this thing all the way up to eleven”

I once went to the local bowels club to see what it was all about. It was crap.

Still, it’s great to see that bowels are open.

When you’re running a news blog about the rain, but you’ve got nothing to say except that it is raining.

It was, and continues to be, horrific.


Letter of the week

Warrington Guardian: Area man has opinions about Halloween

I can’t think of anything snarky to say, so let us simply let this picture tell the story.


Journalist does normal everyday thing of the week

Surrey Live: Journalist likes Twixes

Look, this section will – until the heat death of the universe – always be about Surrey Live’s Dave Bradshaw, because he’s the one who is the best at this.

I reckon he could have Adrian Chiles, the other national purveyor of journalist does normal thing stories, any day of the week.


Sweet Baby Jebus, they won’t stop writing poetry of the week

Regret to report that Derby’s poet laureate is at it again.

We particularly like the way she rhymes people with people, felt with felt, and wishes with wishes. Beat that, William Shakespeare.

We’re also huge fans of the way that she seems to forget it’s a poem for long stretches before finally finding a tortured rhyme to finish.

I’ll be starting a GoFundMe to have 10,000 copies of this poem printed off and dropped by stealth bomber over Moscow. That’ll have Putin on his knees.

I know you’re all absolutely bursting to read a poem about Home Bargains in Halifax, and at last David here has come up with the goods.

As the man himself says, ‘hakuna matata’. It means ‘no worries’, you know.


Angry potato of the week

Sheffield Star: Angry potato found in Sheffield

That’s it, that’s the whole story. But +10 points to the journalist who managed to get the words ‘mardy bum’ into the story, and the subs’ desk who waved it on through.


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