Regret to report that people are still trying to go on holiday

North Wales Daily Post: Psycho seagulls leave couple prisoners in their own home

Yet there they are, outside.

Perhaps if they let the seagulls have a go on the trampoline, we could all reach some sort of accommodation.


Henley Standard: Couple want to know where the police are after car takes out their plant stall

If the police can’t help out this innocent pair of oldiewonks, then we’re all doomed.


Warrington Guardian: Councillor angry about something

Look, I’m just here for the middle aged man in super-skinny jeans.

More of this kind of thing from our elected representatives.


Manchester Evening News: Mum tries cheap toilet roll, gets a sore arse

There is a moral to this story and it is this:

Don’t buy cheap toilet roll or you’ll get a sore arse.

Also, don’t go to the papers about it, or we’ll laugh at you.

Happy to help.


Metro: Holiday HELL as punters stuck in Norwich for 43 hours

Some would say that Norwich is a (oh-ho!) HIGH BROW destination, but …err… no, I’ve not got anything else.


Northants Telegraph: It’s political correctness gone mad as council ‘bans’ printed bin schedules

Question: Are those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council at it again?

Answer: Yes. Yes, those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council are at it again.


Nottingham Post: Wetherspoons drinkers split over plans to put CCTV cameras in the toilets

Which side of the argument are you?

Are you “Yes! I’d like a complete stranger watch on a TV screen while I take a piss”?


Just as long as there’s a sign saying “Toilet CCTV cameras are for staff training purposes only, and not to watch you have a wee because we’re actually quite weird”, I’d be all for it.


Lincolnshire Live: Holidaymaker to Skegness says he would rather go to prison than pay parking fine

Local magistrates – go down the third, less merciful path. Sentence him to another holiday in Skegness.


Gloucestershire Live: Psychic’s show in Gloucester is cancelled due to unforeseen events

Proof, if it were needed, that it’s all a bunch of crystal balls.


And an old favourite from 2018 because it popped up on No Context Brits the other day:

Metro: Woman says her holiday to Spain was ruined because there were too many Spanish people

Hoping – no praying – there’s a corresponding story in El Pais in which Maria from Bilbao is complaining that her trip to Torquay was ruined by the number of English people.

And that’s before we get on to how badly the hotel owner treats his Spanish waiting staff.