Oh No! It’s Another Angry People In Local Newspapers Greatest Hits Post

Every now and then (usually when the hosting bill arrives) we remember we've got a website and decide to get our money's worth with a greatest hits post. This is one of those times.

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Is this thing on?

Let’s scroll through the archives and see what’s worth preserving.

Wales Online: Man left baffled after thieves raid his car but only steal a Greggs sausage roll

Only in local newspapers will you find people being “baffled”, in the same way that it is the only place where people actually admit to being “gobsmacked”.

We’re both gobsmacked and baffled that this is actually news.

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Sussex Express: Queen’s platinum jubilee is RUINED after no-good curs steal carved squirrel

This story illustrates one of the finest examples of “Person looking at the space where something which has gone missing used to be”, and requires years of training.

Sir, we salute you and hope that Nutsack the Squirrel returns soon.

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Bournemouth Echo: Small amount of misery in Poole after jubilee bunting in Jubilee Road is ruled to be inadequate by those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council

We seen to be warming to some sort of Queen’s Jubilee theme here. And why not? It’s just something else for people to work themselves up into new levels of fury.

And nothing gets people angrier than being told their bunting isn’t up to scratch.

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Chronicle Live: Theft victims point at where their bench used to be after no-good curs steal it

Another masterclass in “looking at the space where something which has gone missing used to be”, spoiled only by the person who incorrectly thought this was an opportunity for “done a poo” pose.

Sir, with your squatting you have let us all down.

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Cambridge News: University lecturer told to use a bucket to flush his toilet

“Welcome students, today’s lecture is called Mechanics of Liquid Transfer in a Volume-Limited Container”

Honestly, if it’s Cambridge, they’ve got new boys and servants for that sort of thing. I think.

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Stuff NZ: Man in dispute over noise from neighbouring gun club

Let us amend that: Man who bought a house next to a gun club THREE YEARS AGO is angry about the noise coming from the gun club.

On the plus side, you can say what you want about him because he can’t hear you.

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Irish Independent: Very tall worker who banged his head on toilet cubicle loses his compo claim

The whole thing swung on the question “Sir, have you ever used a toilet cubicle before at this location without banging your head?” to which the answer was yes.

COMPO FAIL

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Kent Online: Man says images of him allegedly fly-tipping have ’embarrassed my kids’

Mate, you’re standing there in a Spurs shirt, and I fear your life-choices have gone downhill from there.

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Southampton Daily Echo: Oldiewonk FUMMIN over the state of the flowerbeds outside Lidl

Instead of complaining, why not pick out a selection of items from the middle aisle and sort it yourself? I understand there’s a perfectly good flame-thrower on offer this week.

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Stoke Sentinel: Those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council make the kiddiewinks sad by taking away their play equipment

If there’s one thing at which those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council excel, it’s making kiddiewinks sad. Also, making tea.

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Eastern Daily Press: Will Anne Boleyn’s ghost appear on this bridge?

No.

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Gazette Live: The Curse of Bullseye strikes again

Poor dead Jim Bowen, he’s not getting a moment’s peace on the other side.

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And err…

Daily Star: I’m a super-soldier fighting in a space war after being abducted by a 15-foot alien Dracula

No, you’re not.

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