It could be you. But it isn’t

Another week, another bunch of folks dealt a hand from the bottom of the pack. Who, for reasons left unexplained, still went to the papers.

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Metro: Granny told she has to trim her massive bush

It’s funny because “bush” is also a slang term for pubic hair, and despite the niche interest on certain corners of the internet, she’s not going to do anything to make her shrubbery more manageable for passers-by.

Just so we’re clear.

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Coventry Telegraph: Something about road safety outside schools, because killing kids is a really bad thing

Those traffic bollards that looks like kids get more realistic by the day.

And speaking of which…

Oxford Mail: Volunteers act as human bollards to help enforce local low-traffic network

You guys need to get some of those bollards that look like kiddiewinks. They’re really realistic these days, you know.

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Daily Record: Kiddiewinks given six month ban by those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council because they have no access to indoor toilets, and the inevitable occurs

If only there were some way to give junior footballers access to indoor toilets so that they don’t have to urinate in the open.

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Coventry Telegraph: Woman who thought she had won the lottery, hadn’t won the lottery

That’s it. There is nothing else to this story.

Better luck next week.

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Nottingham Post: Council leader slams £500k cycle path as ‘huge waste of money’

That may be as well, but why have the Post chosen to illustrate this story with photographs from the weigh-in for a regional middleweight boxing final at the local sports centre?

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Gazette Live: All nightclub punters to be ‘wanded’ by security staff in an attempt to stamp out knife crime

Knife crime is awful, people, but please spare a thought for the door staff at these venues. Times are hard for former Slytherins.

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Barnsley Chronicle: Buses axed due to anti-social behaviour by The Kids

This man is (probably) not a school headmaster, but he has the air of a school headmaster who says that the tuck shop will remain closed until behaviour improves in the lower sixth.

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Stoke Sentinel: Annoyed Adrian (for that is his name now) want council to take action over blocked gullies

Where would this page be without these alliterations from the Superbly Sarcastic Stoke Sentinel?

And while we’re here…

Stoke Sentinel: Desperate Dan (for that is now his name, forever), slams Just East after his McDonald’s meal arrives soaked in Coke

The drink, not the drug, we should point out. Desperate Dan’s desperate, but not that desperate.

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