Anything can be improved with the addition of googly eyes – The angry people of April 2023

Once again it’s left to us to point out things that need pointing out. Googly eyes on shopfronts, the need for a Twins sequel, and the mating habits of supermarket trolleys. But what can you do?

Oh yes, I remember: Point and laugh at them. Point and laugh at them HARD.

Now. Get yer hair cut.

New Zealand Herald: Driver absolutely FUMMIN after pothole wrecks the wheel on his fast flash motor

Not only is that quite a motor, but that is also a premier league mullet of the kind you only ever see in the 1980s. Or if you go to New Zealand.

Sir, we salute your defiance of fashion norms.

Manchester Evening News: Shopper finds Princess Diana in slice of Tesco supermarket breaded ham

This – just days before the coronation – is the most important of any important news story we’ve come across while running Angry People in Local Newspapers, and we imagine former butler Paul Burrell has already put a bid in for the ham of all our hearts.

If you do not see Princess Diana and claim it is Karl Marx, then you are a traitor.

Norwich Evening News: Locals say they are ‘being taunted’ by a persistent puddle in Norwich

As if the people of Norwich haven’t got enough to worry about, what with Orlando’s continued defiance against those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council, the question of the pedestrianisation of the city centre (traders will still need access to Dixons), and living in Norwich.

Cornwall Live: Man claims to have shot footage of the dreaded Beast of Bodmin


CBS News: Houston man stands in a pothole in bid to attract the attention of those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council

As a public service, I have already offered this job out to Arnold Schwarzengger (America’s version of Rod Stewart in terms of celebrity pothole repairmen) to see if he is able to (oh-ho!) TERMINATE it!!!!1

And if he wears a matching shirt, there’s your sequel to Twins that we all need.

Manchester Evening News: Dad of the Year is perfectly fine with his lad throwing eggs at houses for TikTok likes because at least he’s not getting into gangs, or cake or bad murders or anything

Dad is 100% correct – who needs qualifications when you’re TikTok famous?

[Checks notes] Ah. Everybody needs qualifications, even if they’re TikTok famous. My bad. Dad’s an absolute sideboard.

The Impartial Reporter: Fermanagh pothole is fixed after local paper puts small boy on the front cover doing a bit of fishing

The Impartial Reporter and their ace lensman John McVitty are your go-to people for pothole stories. You may remember this from 2021:

The Impartial Reporter: Any excuse to run this photo again

A year and a half later he’s still down there.

Grimsby Telegraph: FURY as sign outside local Co-Op is massively improved with googly eyes

This has become a local work of art, and needs to be declared a scheduled national monument before some pencil-necked desk jockey turns up and spoils it.

Leonardo would have added googly eyes to the Mona Lisa, had they been invented, and not just a doodle in the margins of one of his notebooks.

The Lincolnite: Punch-and-Judy man spitting nails as his show is axed from coronation celebrations for being “inappropriate”

“It’s golitical gorrectness gone haywire”, said an outraged Mr Punch, “guck ‘em all”.

ITV Westcountry: Locals devastated as those pencil-necked desk jockeys at the council take away their “iconic” rusty pole

If you click through, you will be treated to the sight of two citizens of Exmouth looking glumly at exactly zero rusty poles.

Now there’s nothing better to do in Exmouth, we can expect anarchy.

Kent Online: Area Man outraged as ‘dam of supermarket trolleys’ block river

Once again, it’s left to us to remind people that supermarket trolleys are amphibious migratory creatures who need to return to their spawning grounds at least once a year.

Honestly, you’d have though David Attenborough would have got round to doing some sort of documentary about the mating and hunting rituals of trolleyii vulgaris by now.

Manchester Evening News: Councillors wear Zorro masks to protest against government’s new voter ID law

Guys. Remember to take picture ID when you go to vote next Thursday, and give your thanks to Councillor Karney for the reminder (and being such a good sport after appearing on Angry People in Local Newspapers).

Liverpool Echo: Anarchy as football fans clash outside hotel

I know what you’re thinking – his “I Shot JR” T-shirt is in the wash.

Belfast Live: Man caught drunk in charge of a horse and cart while popping out for cigarettes

We don’t do court reports, but: Hey Siri, show me the most Irish news story ever.

When ordered to stop an irate Connors told Gardai “F**k off, I’m not stopping.”

Ah, the poetry of the Irish language.

And now, poetry corner.

With the coronation of King Charles III just days away, why not celebrate with Sandra, resident poet at the Derby Telegraph?

Beautiful. Long may he reign.