Pictures of Kim Jong-un looking at things

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"Great to see Uncle Jang, isn't it?"

North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. Not a big fan of the human rights-violating, uncle-murdering dictator if I’m going to be honest with you.

But people pay me a living wage to look at pictures of Kim Jong-un looking at things, and it’s a game that anybody can play.

So why does Kim Jong-un look at things?

He’s the God-like leader of the country, and as such he knows everything. It is his patriotic duty – like his father before him – to his people to go round and tell them how to make shoes, hydro-electric dams and nuclear weapons properly.

Flunkies take photographs of him looking at things, and that’s where the grim comedy begins.

Dear Leader Kim Jong-il looks at something

Who are the flunkies with the notepads?

Kim’s word is law. And who knows what important wisdom he will impart? Miss the Supreme Leader’s remarks, that’s a gulag-ing.

[It’s all for show really, Kim’s briefed beforehand, and he only really knows about uncle-killing and large meals. The BBC explains everything]

Here’s a poem I just made up about boats. Don’t miss a word, or else.

Yeah, fair enough, but what about the pictures?

Sheesh, tough audience.

“Nah mate, you can’t enter the magic palace until you’ve done the side-quest with the cat. LOOK JUST FIND THE CAT AND DO THE DAMN SIDE-QUEST. Oh for the love of buggery THE CAT.”
“Great to see Uncle Jang, isn’t it?”

Kim Looking At Lube is my favourite news photograph of all time. Apart from Virgin Media Ron, obviously.

“Can I speak to Mr Butts? Mr Seymour Butts?”
“Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand”
Kim gets all the girls thanks to his sleek fighter jet
“Excellent. Have the shark tank ready for when Mr Hans Blix comes to visit”
“Ha ha ha ha ha, nice joke boss ha ha ha ha!” (Thinks: I don’t get it)
Pyongyang’s only “What the Butler Saw” machine is only available to senior party members
It can be lonely being the only captain on the boating lake

Still here? Your regular reminder: We are all laughing at pictures of the world’s worst human right abuser.

“Who’s first?

You didn’t see that. Keep scrolling.

This image is known among Korea-watchers as “The one with the cigarette-smoking despot and the two stuffed toys humping in the orphaned kiddiewinks’ bedroom”
When you go shopping at the waterslide supermarket and can’t make up your mind
“But the sign says ‘No Stairway to Heaven’, boss”
“Smile you son of a…”

That’s a Jaws reference, by the way. You’re welcome.

“Have this one ready for Mr Bond”
“I’m laughing now, but when I find out which one of you blacked-up the eye-pieces…”

Kim Jong-un looking at things is the gift that keeps on giving. So more pictures of the world’s leading human rights criminal as they come in.

One final question: Where can I shop the look?

You mean the Mao jacket and the super-wide hide-the-fact-you’re-a-huge-bloater-waxing-fat-on-the-starvation-of-your-own-people trousers?

Page 173 of the Grattan catalogue, Pyongyang edition

We recommend Man at SPECTRE, the highly respected and very evil gents’ outfitters, just off Bond Street in London. These guys swear by them.

“Man at SPECTRE are ace. Don’t forget your Total Loyalty To Number One Card”
“Totally discreet and mind-bendingly expensive. You’d have to be MAD to shop there. There’s lucky.”

Any further questions?

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