Father Christmas. Saint Nick. Santa Claus. Kris Kringle. That bloke in the Coca Cola adverts. Whatever you call him, he’s a rotten egg.
The owner of the most intensive global behavioural surveillance programme of a scope that the government of China can only look upon with longing eyes, do you trust this man with the personal data of you and everybody you hold dear?
All it takes is one elf in the Letters to Santa Department clicking on a malicious link, and the only person who will be checking that list twice will be Vladimir Putin. Is that what you want? Because that’s what’s going to happen.
It’s not as if he isn’t already on the radar of the authorities. Just look at all the times Santa’s been in trouble with the law. He’s got a naughty list entry as long as your arm.
YOU CAN’T PARK THERE MATE
Express: Santa gets a parking ticket while delivering presents to kiddiewinks
Temper temper, beardy. The kiddiewinks don’t need to see that.
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Mirror: ‘Smug’ parking warden slaps a parking ticket on Santa’s sleigh
Even personifications of the Christmas spirit of giving are not exempt from the rules about parking on the zig-zag lines outside the Co-Op. That’s another thing the kiddiewinks don’t need to see.
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Worcester News: Santa gets a parking ticket on Worcester’s High Street
The really sad bit about this is they way he was arguing with the warden in front of the kiddiewinks, who do not need to see that.
And also, dragging Barry from EastEnders into the the whole sorry episode. The kiddiewinks don’t need to see that either.
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BBC Tees: Father Christmas gets a parking ticket for parking in a parent and child space at a shopping centre
Do you know who else parks in the parent and child spaces at the supermarket? LORD VOLDEMORT. The kiddiewinks really don’t want to see that.
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ABC7 News: Santa Claus gets a parking ticket in San Francisco
‘Just dropping off toys to the kiddiewinks’. That’s an excuse every traffic warden has heard from here to eternity. And wiggling out of it and depriving the city of much-needed income, too. The kiddiewinks really don’t need to see that.
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Bristol Post: Gary the Rabbit takes the fall for Santa after he parks his grotto illegally outside the library
Not only did Santa fail to made parking arrangements for his mobile grotto, but he also left this innocent bunny to take the rap. Not only that, but Gary the Rabbit was MADE TO REMOVE HIS HEAD, and the kiddiewinks really don’t need to see that.
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OTHER OFFENCES TO BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION
Derbyshire Live: Santa Claus arrested for speeding through village
Well played, Old Bill. Santa Claus, off his head on brandy and mince pies, running amok on a sleigh pulled by reindeer, off their heads on brandy and mince pies, is an accident waiting to happen. And the kiddiewinks don’t want to see that.
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Manchester Evening News: Santa gets a bollocking from the police for not observing social distancing
These things HAVE to be properly policed. They must not – repeat NOT – turn into an all-night rave. Really, the kiddiewinks don’t want to see that.
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Brighton Argus: Santa arrested for ‘giving out sweets at anti-Covid demonstration’
You see, even if you’re Santa and giving out sweets in the street, you’re going to end up nicked and held overnight if you are “deliberately breaking the law and at times, targeting our officers with aggression and causing disruption to the road network”. And the kiddiewinks don’t need to see that.
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Brighton Argus (again): Santa arrested after gluing himself to British Home Stores
“A second Santa then appeared and glued himself to Dorothy Perkins. He too was arrested and had to be dragged away by police.”
The kiddiewinks really don’t need to see that.
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ABC6 News/WPVI: Santa Claus arrested on drugs charges
“Officers discovered a crack pipe, a hypodermic needle, and empty bags of drugs.”
Note to Santa: Never take a drug named after part of your arse. Guess what? The kiddiewinks don’t want to see that.
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Daily Record: Santa arrested for climbing on the back of the famous Duke of Wellington statue in Glasgow
This is EXACTLY what the kiddiewinks want to see.
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