Wales Online: Man is so angry over his neighbour’s new wall which has allegedly stolen two inches of his land that he has a large and varied collection of protest placards and a conviction for criminal damage

Honestly, you really need to click through to see the whole collection. When this all blows over, they should be put in a special collection in the National Gallery.

And my congratulations/commiserations to the brave journalist forced to make eye contact and witness the measurement of the errant two inches with his own eyes.

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Colchester Gazette: Metal detectorist caught digging up the Greensward at Frinton

For those of you who do not know of Frinton’s reputation, it is a small town on the Essex coast perpetually trapped in the 1950s of Enid Blyton tales where swarthy outsiders are run out of town by plucky youngsters.

They will do unto metal detectorists what they did to crusty jugglers in Hot Fuzz.

And I don’t want to be Judge Judy and executioner.

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Kent Online: Kiddiewinks quite unable to play outside because of ‘dangerous’ decking

Here’s a top tip from the geniuses at Viz: If you go to B&Q and someone asks if you want decking, ensure that you get your retaliation in first with a swift knee of the fork.

Whitstable, for those of you who know your local news infamy, is the town which once made the headlines because of its custard shortage, which we believe is still ongoing.

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Southern Daily Echo: Man objects to planned 5G mobile phone mast near his home

This, as the Angry People in Local Newspapers purist will tell you is the Holy Grail of somebody pointing at something that is not there yet.

It is quantum mechanics at its finest, because in a 12-dimensional universe, that mast is already there and also not there at all, and Stephen Hawking understood it, and you should make the effort too.

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Wiltshire Times: Plans for new housing development ‘are full of holes’ say councillors

As a rule of thumb, unless you are building a housing estate for rabbits, a large number of holes would be a bad thing.

If, on the other side, these “holes” are doors and windows for the proposed houses, then you are doing it wrong because that it a perfectly acceptable end result of the building process.

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Plymouth Herald: Breaking news – Plymouth smells

I think you will find – as per the title of this round-up that this is normal for Plymouth. Just put it down to a collective moment of self-awareness.

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Cornwall Live: Mystery as half a million bees stolen from hives in Cornwall

If anyone offers you cheap bees down the pub, be careful – it could be a sting operation.

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Metro: Nothing to see here, just one man and his undying love for his fish

Absolutely normal for Edinburgh, and we won’t hear a word said against them

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Lad Bible: We don’t do Lad Bible, but man is furious at new 5G mast on his street which has ben likened to a ‘metal dildo’

You know what they say (and by ‘they’ we mean – of course – ‘weirdo sexual deviants’) – everything’s a dildo if you’re brace enough.

We wish you, sir, the very best of luck with your endeavours.

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Brighton Argus: Hove residents demand that their council mows their grass verge before somebody gets lost in the undergrowth and is forced to drink their own urine

I imagine that the conversation went a little like this:

Residents: Hey, it’s a thing called ‘No-mow May’, where you don’t cut the grass verges so we can all give the diversity of wild flowers and insects a chance to flourish.

Several weeks later

Residents: Bollocks to that. Mow those verges to fuck and back

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