Look, this one’s going to be filled with loads of penis jokes. Just so you know.

But since the dawn of time, men have lied about the size of their meat, a fact that has just caught up with the editorial staff of the Swindon Advertiser.

Swindon Advertiser: Woman resigned to a life of disappointment after discovering that “jumbo” sausages are actually normal sized

We are indebted to the editorial staff at the Adver, who used science and expert measuring techniques honed since adolescence to determine that these so-called “jumbo” sausages are no more than 10cm long, or four inches in the old money.

A compare-and-contrast operation found that the jumbo version are only 5mm longer than the regular meat tubes.

No wonder she’s holding it between her finger and thumb. It could go off at any time.

“We feel cheated. The packaging is false.”

Heard it.

And she’s not the only person horrified by the sudden appearance of inappropriate sausages.

Reading Evening Post: Naked neighbour put me off men. And sausages.

I know what you’re thinking. Ronnie Barker’s really let himself go.

But when you’re looking out of your window and your neighbour’s out in the garden in the nip, his tackle gently swaying in the breeze, that’s going to put you off your pork and beef sizzlers for life.

[And I promised I’d lay off featuring Sausage Lady all over the place. Sorry, Sausage Lady of Reading]

An archive trawl for “sausage” turned up this. I am so so sorry*

Southampton Daily Echo: Something something Lovely Debbie McGee sausage something

*not sorry at all.