I’m going to put it out there. Animals are ungrateful bastards.

You try to do one a good turn, and in return they try to eat your face.

Ungrateful animals have tried to eat my face on many occasions, and I’ve lost count of the number of times that dog has pissed on my foot despite my feeding him every single day.

And I’m caught him staring at me, wandering what my face tastes like. Meat, that’s what it tastes like.

Perth Now: Woman puts herself in harm’s way to rescue a pelican from a barbed wire fence, has the ungrateful feathery turd try to eat her face

If that was me, I would squeeze the cur until an egg popped out, but she was philosophical about it when interviewed by a local radio station:

“Did it do you an injury?”

“I look like I’ve been exfoliating with a cheese grater this morning, but…”

Over here, of course, it’s seagulls who would also try to eat your face to go with the chips that they are also stealing from out of your very hands.

Scarborough News: Mum wants action against seagulls after bird steals kiddiewink’s sausage roll

“KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!” she roars as she holds up a chip outside Iceland.

Seconds after this photograph was taken a seagull took the chip from her hand, then returned to carry away her kiddiewink.

Worcester News: Kill them! KILL THEM ALL!! says victim of seagull attack

You’re free to say that, of course, but now the seagulls know who you are and where you live.