Weird local mascots and why they need a good hard kick up the arse

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Dammit, I love Japanese mascots, and we should have more of them over here.

Yes, we have football mascots, and as an Arsenal supporter, I am painfully aware that Gunnersaurus is a thing in this world.

Yet somehow, the vast majority of British football mascots somehow manage to miss the whole point of mascotism, and are bland and …well… dull.

That’s apart from Partick Thistle’s mascot Kingsley who gives kiddiewinks nightmares.

BBC News: Aaaaaaargh Jesus H Christ take it away MAKE IT STOP

And then there’s Hangus the monkey, who was so good he was elected the mayor of Hartlepool. Repeatedly.

So, I was more that delighted recently to see that the Lancashire town of Darwen has a Japanese-style mascot based on the local landmark Darwen Tower, and it’s ace.

Unfortunately, the imagination ends there, as it is called Darwen Tower Mascot. Or Darren to his friends.

Lancashire Telegraph: Darren goes out in the lashing rain, but that’s OK because he’s a mascot

You’ll note that they’ve gone for the actor’s-own-legs approach, rather than the full costume that other mascots prefer.

Always good in a mascot race where legs are always an advantage. (Hangus is the hairy-legged variety. Good at the ballot box, rubbish over fences)

And here’s why British mascots need a good kick up their costumed arse:

Times of Tunbridge Wells: Royal British Legion brings remembrance, decorum and dignity to their annual poppy appeal through the medium of a giant poppy costume

And our pals at Mondo Mascots show the world how it should be done with their cataloguing of the best of Japan.

They even went to a mascot convention recently, where there were, as the young people on the internets say, SCENES.

Soy milk. Just say no, kids.
No idea. But we’re serious about the drugs, kids.

What this tells us is that we’re (largely) shit at mascots. While we’ve got Welephant, Japan has Nukamura-kun, a mascot promoting headless fish pickled in fermented rice-bran.

Pick that one out of the net.

Headless fish? IT’S FOR THE KIDDIEWINKS.

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