Local newspapers have – in most case – 32 pages to fill, and rarely 32 pages worth of news.

That’s why some stories rarely cross the threshold of what you might actually call news.

But dull news shifts papers, because people are, essentially, dull.

Kent Online: Teenager’s helium balloon survives 18 long, long years

Yeah, I did an A-Level in chemistry. Helium would have escaped through the gaps in the plastic molecules by now. What’s probably in there is a substance known as “air”.

Take it away, Keanu.

And who can forget the time there was a cloud that looked like a chicken over Lincolnshire?

Lincolnshire Echo: Cloud that looks like a chicken

Fortunately, local police burned an elderly spinster as a witch, and the cloud went away before it could peck anything.

Lucky escape.

Then, of course, there’s local business news, which even local businesses don’t read:

Nottingham Post: Picture framer achieves the Guild of Commended Framers Advanced Accreditation in picture framing

His certificate came in a clip frame from Office World*.

*This may actually be a lie.