So you think you’ve seen a panther? It’s never a panther

It’s a cat. That panther you saw, that wolf, that yeti, that ghost, that strange light in the sky. Cat. It’s always a cat.

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Let’s get this straight from the start. If you’re walking in the woods and see a lion, it’s not a lion. If you’re in your garden and see a puma, it’s not a puma. Tiger hanging around outside Waitrose? Either some chugger in fancy dress, but definitely not a tiger.

It’s a cat.

It’s always a cat.

You can go to your local newspaper about it, and call in alleged experts, but the result is the same. It’s a cat.

In fact, we’ve been forced to explain this in multiple languages, but still CAT.

C’est un chat. Cette panthère que tu as vue, ce loup, ce yéti, ce fantôme, cette étrange lumière dans le ciel. Chat. C’est toujours un chat.

Sie ist eine Katze. Dieser Panther, den du sahst, dieser Wolf, dieser Yeti, dieses Gespenst, dieses seltsame Licht am Himmel. Katze. Sie ist immer eine Katze.

Alles klar? Then let us continue.

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Salisbury Journal: Man spots ‘huge panther’ in his back garden

That is, sir, what one would call a domestic house cat, and I suggest an appointment with Specsavers.

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Manchester Evening News: Holidaymaker with thermal imaging camera sees ‘puma’ walking on a beach in North Wales

That, sir, is what we experts in the field like to refer to as a “cat”. You’re welcome.

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CTV News Vancouver: ‘Cougar’ spotted in Vancouver neighbourhood is actually a cat

Some smart work there by the forces of law and order. Those Mounties always get their man cat.

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Gloucestershire Live: Man freezes after encountering ‘well-built wolf’ in the Forest of Dean

What you saw, sir, was a cat.

A cat that has been to the gym.

The Forest of Dean is well-known for its feline gymnasia.

Case closed.

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Nottingham Post: ‘Enormous’ big cat enters pensioner’s house through window

Cat.

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The National UAE: Dubai police confirm black panther sighting is just a domestic cat

IDEA: Make all police cat/panther training available – for free – to the general public.

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Sussex Express: ‘Big cat’ spotted in Eastbourne

Let’s face facts. If there was a new apex predator wandering around the God’s waiting room that is Eastbourne, you wouldn’t be able to walk for bits of old granny in the gutters.

So, to apply logic:

Cat.

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BBC News: Kenya alarm over lion which turns out to be a carrier bag

Let that be a warning to you. Always know where you’ve put your bag for life.

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Sky News: Puma found inside school toilet in Brazil is actually a Puma

OK, you can have that one.

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