Shit town battles: CANVEY vs SHEPPEY

Have you ever witnessed such misery?

This is the first of our SHIT TOWN BATTLES, facing off one location against another vaguely similar town to see which is the crappiest. So… >ding ding<

Which is worse? Canvey Island (Essex) or the Isle of Sheppey (Kent)?

There’s only one way to find out…

And since you are here, the fight will be carried out through the medium of Angry People in Local Newspapers, complaining that their island is worse than the other island.

ROUND ONE: Complaining about street lights

Essex Echo: Canvey Councillor campaigns for better street lighting that isn’t actually falling over


Kent Online: Barry of Sheppey kept awake all night by bright street lights

At least Sheppey has street lights. Canvey is like that satellite picture of North Korea.

1-0 to Canvey.

ROUND TWO: Show us your hi-vis councillors

Essex Echo: Pollution fears put business park plan at risk


Kent Online: Something about Aldi

Just one councillor in hi-vis in among a whole crowd of elected representatives, coming up against a hi-vis trio in the worst hi-vis jackets ever designed.

A pitiful draw. 2-1 to Canvey.

ROUND THREE: Angry patriots

Clacton and Frinton Gazette: Locals get pissy about IRA reference on Canvey sea wall mural 


Kent Online: Sheerness UKIP throw their toys out of the pram after Union Flag is replaced by an RNLI one, only to be told that it was because the old one was worn out and a new one is on order, but here we all are in our steaming fury and reactolite glasses

Easy win for the Sheppey Kippers. All square at 2-2.

ROUND FOUR: Crappy drivers

Essex Echo: Police order to outlaw hooning on Canvey


BBC: Aggrieved driver runs over Sheppey traffic warden

In a tight battle, it’s another draw, making the score 3-3.

Which means:



Essex play their trump card with an efit of a Canvey robbery suspect who once had an accident with the ‘clone’ tool on Photoshop

Kent’s Isle of Sheppey replies with AAAAAAAAAAARGH WHAT’S THAT?!

We spotted this on Sheppey on the road to the seaside paradise* that is Leysdown-on-Sea, and it has remained in our nightmares ever since.

Shonky Buzz Lightyear trumps anything that Essex could ever produce, which means…

4-3 to Sheppey.

Congratulations, Canvey Island, you had a lucky escape.

*It’s not a paradise in any sense of the word


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