This is the first of our SHIT TOWN BATTLES, facing off one location against another vaguely similar town to see which is the crappiest. So… >ding ding<
Which is worse? Canvey Island (Essex) or the Isle of Sheppey (Kent)?
There’s only one way to find out…
And since you are here, the fight will be carried out through the medium of Angry People in Local Newspapers, complaining that their island is worse than the other island.
ROUND ONE: Complaining about street lights
Essex Echo: Canvey Councillor campaigns for better street lighting that isn’t actually falling over
Versus….
Kent Online: Barry of Sheppey kept awake all night by bright street lights
At least Sheppey has street lights. Canvey is like that satellite picture of North Korea.
1-0 to Canvey.
ROUND TWO: Show us your hi-vis councillors
Essex Echo: Pollution fears put business park plan at risk
Versus…
Kent Online: Something about Aldi
Just one councillor in hi-vis in among a whole crowd of elected representatives, coming up against a hi-vis trio in the worst hi-vis jackets ever designed.
A pitiful draw. 2-1 to Canvey.
ROUND THREE: Angry patriots
Clacton and Frinton Gazette: Locals get pissy about IRA reference on Canvey sea wall mural
Versus…
Easy win for the Sheppey Kippers. All square at 2-2.
ROUND FOUR: Crappy drivers
Essex Echo: Police order to outlaw hooning on Canvey
Versus…
BBC: Aggrieved driver runs over Sheppey traffic warden
In a tight battle, it’s another draw, making the score 3-3.
Which means:
TIEBREAKER
Versus…
Essex play their trump card with an efit of a Canvey robbery suspect who once had an accident with the ‘clone’ tool on Photoshop
Kent’s Isle of Sheppey replies with AAAAAAAAAAARGH WHAT’S THAT?!
We spotted this on Sheppey on the road to the seaside paradise* that is Leysdown-on-Sea, and it has remained in our nightmares ever since.
Shonky Buzz Lightyear trumps anything that Essex could ever produce, which means…
4-3 to Sheppey.
Congratulations, Canvey Island, you had a lucky escape.
*It’s not a paradise in any sense of the word