We thought it were high time that we made a glossary page of all the items we use on APILN. We’ll be adding more as we go along, and we’ll even try to keep it vaguely alphabetical, so bear with.
A-Boards – The means that local newspapers use to advertise their wares. Often, they make no sense at all.
Bad Efits – The method of choice of our police forces to issue images of suspects. Seems to be based on MS Paint.
Celebrities – If you’re a newspaper editor and a celebrity wants to pose angrily, then you’ve hit paydirt. Giles Coren (below) is a regular in his local paper, and has mastered the done a poo pose.
Celebrity lookalikes – Remember that time Ian Beale turned up on EastEnders as a tramp? If you can’t get the real thing, get the Tramp Ian Beale tribute act instead.
Compo face – For when you’ve bought something, found something wrong with it and take your complaint to the exact place where you’ll get everything sorted. The local paper, obviously.
Councillors – Your locally elected representatives. Properly uniformed, they should be wearing a lanyard, hi-vis, or both.
Crowd scenes – Usually in the form of a community protest against something. The natural home of the NIMBY. Often seen with shoddy signs and a dog.
Death stare – Somebody so angry you can feel the fury burning out through the screen.
Done a poo – The standard crouching pose which makes the subject look like they have recently soiled their pants. In may cases, they have
Hi-vis – Standard uniform for any official whose duties take them out onto the means streets of Britain. Kiddiewinks may also be seen in hi-vis if they are taken out of the padded confines of their school for any reason.
Kiddiewinks – Any children under the age of 16 are classed as kiddiewinks. Angry kiddies are standard when a school or youth club has been broken into, the perpetrators of which being described (by law) as “mindless”.
Kiddiewinks (Think of the) – A person whose sole concern is that the world contains endless dangers for kiddiewinks, who must be protected at all costs. Here, this woman is worried that kiddiewinks may fail to see an enormous river and come to harm.
Oldiewonks– The opposite of kiddiewinks. Anybody over the age of sixty, usually seen complaining about busses, bad parking, or the state of the modern world.
Paint me, Jack – Paint me like one of your French girls
Pointing – The standard pose in which the subject points at the thing that makes them angry. Here, a man is pointing at a picture of a dog’s bottom.
Props – Any item brought to a photoshoot to enhance our experience. Here, Stella Creasy MP has brought along a measuring wheel to a row over a Post Office
Reactolites – often worn by Oldiewonks, because they haven’t got the life left to waste time searching for sunglasses
Ron – Let’s be perfectly clear about this. Ron didn’t watch £900 worth of grumble flicks on Virgin Media, and anyone who says otherwise is WRONG. It’s Ann we should feel sorry for. Think what she could spend that £900 on. A load of grumble flicks, for example.
Shoddy signs – If you are angry about something, and you don’t turn up with a protest sign you knocked up in your garage overnight, then you are doing it wrong. Spelling optional.