Seagulls. The cunning, vicious feathery bastards.

Cooking in a pie is too good for them, mostly because seagulls taste like grilled turds. And that’s a FACT.

Consider this poor chap.

Daily Record: Dumfries residents demand action as the sound of seagulls makes them consider running amok with an axe, or something

A seagull once shat in my mouth, which is also a FACT.

And look at this guy:

He’s not even a real mayor (FACT) and he’s had enough of the dive-bombing seagulls.

NOT EVEN A MAYOR.

And this guy’s got the right idea:

He’s armed himself. Armed himself with a large resin owl, and soon the streets of Milton Keynes will ring with the joyous sound of fake owl against seagull skull.

And not a court in the land would dare convict.