The phone rings in the editorial offices of the Bristol Post.

“What?!” screams the editor down the line, “I’ll get our top reporter onto it RIGHT NOW.”

“Scoops McGee – the shit’s hit the fan at the Cumberland basin. Get down there, get some pictures. The front page is all yours.”

And that is how the Bristol Post covered a man’s 80th birthday banner, quite clearly the winner of the Dullest Local News Story of 2017.

Bristol Post: Jim Heal’s friends and/or relatives mark Jim Heal’s 80th birthday with a banner fixed to some railings

We are pretty certain that this is an entirely unique idea which nobody has ever done before in the history of birthdays, banners and cheeky roadside messages.

And there’s a second award heading its way to the Bristol Post: Dullest Newspaper Photo Caption of the Year, for this stupendous effort.

“Jim is pictured eating a plate of gammon and egg”

Of course, these roadside banners aren’t what they seem. They are, in fact, a means for local drug gangs to mark their turf, and to announce to punters that they are in the area.

“Gammon and egg” is drug slang for crack cocaine. FACT.

And here’s the 2016 winner:

Bexhill Observer: Walk follows the 500-year history of Bexhill’s postal services

“In 1501, there was no postal service in Bexhill”
“In 1502, there was no postal service in Bexhill”
“In 1503, there was no postal service in Bexhill”
“In 1504, there was no postal service in Bexhill”

Two hours later…

“In 1816, there was no postal service in Bexhill”
“In 1817, there was no postal service in Bexhill”
“In 1818, there was a postal service in Bexhill”

Loving the matching trainers and hi-vis tabard. Council officials could learn a lot from this guy.