As regular readers will be aware, we’re all about minimums standard for things around here.

Houses not built on old Indian burial grounds

Shower gel that doesn’t set your genitals on fire

And now police officers capable of a successful nick and prosecution from a 4mph chase that lasted for half an hour

The Bolton News: Police chase ten-ton road roller through the streets of Bolton in bizarre low speed pursuit

And look, thanks to the miracle that is the Daily Mirror, here is actual footage of the chase, snapped up by Keanu Reeves for the next instalment of the Speed movie franchise.

Bolton is, of course, the home town of steeplejack and road roller enthusiast Fred Dibnah, would would be (oh-ho!) ROLLING in his grave.

Let’s be honest, the police did their best to catch the culprit, racing ahead and laying out their stinger device across the road*.

Great Manchester Police are now in the market for a new stinger unit.

But in the end, as their suspect flees into the night, somebody somewhere has to ask the question:

HOW IN THE NAME OF CLIFF RICHARD’S HOLY NIPPLES DID THEY NOT ARREST ANYBODY?!

And construction workers: Stop leaving the keys in the ignition of your road roller, because this is what happens:

A tragic, tragic accident in which a local councillor complaining to the Burton Mail about the state of the roads doesn’t notice the road roller careering toward him at 4mph.

Flowers, memorial service, followed by a by-election.

*This may actually be a lie