FACT: Nobody actually wants to be a school crossing guard.

The hours are rubbish, you’re forced to dress up in the kind of hi-viz outfit that not even fashion students would consider for their end-of-year catwalk show, and you have to be called a paedo by passing drivers at least fifty times a day.

In the rain.

Moorabbin Kingston Leader: Nobody wants to be a crossing guard, Children run risk of being killed TO DEATH

A study in existential angst as Death Race 2000 goes on in front of his very eyes.

Bexley News Shopper: Lollipop man forced to work undercover as part of school playground dinner money shake-down scam

I dunno, I’m making this up.

Bracknell Forest Standard: Lollipop man told he’s not allowed to ‘high-five’ The Kids

Health and Safety Gone Mad. Damn you, The Man.

(But fist-bumps are OK)

It’s Hell out there kids, and there’s only a day-glo pensioner between you and CERTAIN DEATH.