Mystery as cucumbers keep turning up in Tunbridge Wells

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It’s all kicking off down in Kent where somebody is leaving cucumbers lying around in the street.

While we’re used to other food detritus – usually half-eaten takeaway meals, abandoned the second the customer comes to their senses – finding salad lying around your home town is quite a long way from business as usual.

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“What we are dealing with here”, Inspector Barnaby tells us in a packed police press conference, “is a serious abuser of salad.

“Before, he or she would just leave the cucumber in a public place and derive their satisfaction from the reaction of others. But as this latest incident shows, the threat has reached a whole new level.”

Grimly, the inspector then turned to our worst fears: “A kiddiewink might see them. Then who knows what will happen?”

Previous incidents have involved a pedestrian crossing, and the pavement outside Tesco Express.

The Tunbridge Wells cucumber cur could strike anywhere.

We just hope it isn’t Gordon Spence and his record-breaking 21-inch cucumber, because the disappointment will kill us all.

Nor do we hope that it is nothing to do with this chap, who is complaining about the soaring price of our country’s leading water-based salad item.

Here, he has discovered that if you cut one of these cucumbers in half, you end up with two cucumbers. Amazing!

And also this guy, who is more into marrows, lives in Australia and is likely to ram this big juicy object up your bum if he finds out you’re the marrow thief.