Car Dealer Magazine: One of the Cheeky Girls is now working for a car dealership in York

Touch my bumper, this is life.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

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Newcastle Chronicle: Ant and Dec spotted sitting the wrong way round at Newcastle football match

“Human sacrifice! Dogs and Cats living together! Ant and Dec the wrong way round! Mass hysteria!”

And just to prove that it was an ill-starred omen, Newcastle lost.

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Southern Daily Echo: Barry from EastEnders bringing a Barry from EastEnders-themed karaoke night to Southampton

I don’t know what this story’s doing here, truth be told. Any news about Barry from EastEnders cannot – by definition – be classed as dull news.

If, on the other hand, it were about Dean Gaffney…

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Newcastle Chronicle: Somebody out of Geordie Shore gets her toe stuck in the bath

Honestly, I don’t know how some of these people remember to breathe.

Look, I’ve no idea who this person is, and have no ambition to find out either. You’re on your own here.

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Manchester Evening News: Kerry Katona gets a parking ticket

Parking fine?

No, it’s shite actually.

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And if you’ll excuse the link to the Daily Mail, one of the greatest crap celebrity stories of all time.

Daily Mail: Someone out of TOWIE nearly steps in a puddle

In the pantheon of human accomplishments, someone out TOWIE not stepping in a puddle is right up there with Neil Armstrong stepping onto the surface of the moon.

Seven years on, and she still wakes up in cold sweats about it.

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