We’re going to cut to the chase today.

Turn up at school with blue hair? That’s a bannin’

Wales Online: Teenager dyes his hair blue for the summer holidays, is shocked – SHOCKED – to find it won’t come out on the first day of term

Mum says they’ve tried “everything” to get it back to its usual colour, but I suspect that this everything does not include a tin of Cherry Blossom’s finest dark tan boot polish.

Available in all good stores. And some terrible ones too. Beware of cheap imitations.

Yorkshire Evening Post: Girl is one of 70 pupils put into isolation cubes for the “wrong” uniform

This young lady’s crime? Trousers which are “too elasticated”.

I swear they make this shit up at the school gate as they go along.

Bournemouth Echo: New bugs not allowed to mix with other pupils on their first day because of “too short” hair

Actually, it’s not just the haircuts, I think somebody should have a word with the architect:

That’s over-egging the whole Jesus thing a bit much, don’t you think?

I sincerely hope they spare the floggings.

The Lincolnite: Mum outraged after daughter threatened with exclusion over ‘too tight’ school trousers

You see, that’s what happens when you shop in the Lincoln branch of George at Asda, and not from the official school trouser cartel. You’ll be found out in the end.

And this one’s bypassed the locals and gone straight to The Sun and the Mail, so no links for you mister:

Dad buys his son £75 Nikes for his son’s school shoes, and he’s damned if he’s going to go out and buy another pair that complies with school rules.

Three detentions in three days. Don’t buy your kids trainers for school. That’s a take-home message, there.

And here’s one from yesterday with a better picture:

ITV: Nottingham school puts 71 pupils into isolation over school uniform breeches

“We are passionate about raising standards and we keep moving the bar higher and higher.”

So high, that nobody can get over it.