At any given moment in time, up to two million rancid old mattresses are having sex.

Let that sink in.

Yeah, where were we? Sexy mattresses.

While it’s fine to allow mattresses to make baby mattresses, what is NOT okay is making sweet, sweet love to a mattress. In a car park. In front of members of the public.

That is – in the eyes of the law – generally frowned upon.

Derry Journal (January 2015): Man jailed for seven months for making sweet sweet love to a consenting mattress

The Journal takes up the story:

“Officers found the 52-year-old on a mattress behind a fence and heard ‘muffled moaning’.

“He had his trousers pulled to his knees and was watching a pornographic film on a portable DVD player.”

Who amongst us has not felt that urgent need for a hand shandy and belted one out in a car park under the stern glare of the local constabulary?

But it seems a spell in the slammer could do our perverted friend a bit of good…

Belfast Telegraph: Mattress sex man under threat from dissident Republicans

Coll, 52, who appeared in the dock last week on a charge of “committing an act of lewd, obscene and disgusting nature and of outraging public decency”, has received a number of warnings from dissident republicans after coming to the “adverse attention of paramilitary-style organisations” because of his criminal record.

It comes to something when even the I Can’t Believe It’s The Real IRA is disgusted by your behaviour.

So, TOP TIP: Don’t shag mattresses.