You can never have too many news stories about Peter Andre being spotted in supermarkets. This is a useful public service in which readers are able to avoid the crowds until the proper authorities have got a grip on things. And it’s also a good measure of how dull the press is prepared to go in the name of a good celebrity spot story. And we might as well start with the daddy of them all.

Somerset Live: Hugh Grant spotted buying a susage roll in Somerset town

Now officially the most exciting thing to have happened in Frome in its entire history, this tale begs the simple question: Greggs not good enough for you, Hugh?

We look forward in further news stories about our finest actor purchasing baked goods in provincial towns.

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Shropshire Star: Dean Gaffney out of EastEnders spotted singing karaoke in Shrewsbury

This is the very essence of news-as-a-public-service. The public needs to be informed of Gaffney’s movements and be warned of his impending approach. Bee on the lookout for Gaffney, people.

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Bucks Herald: Rio Ferdinand enjoys a night out in Aylesbury

Now, I have it on very good authority that Rio is a very nice chap, but let’s be frank – nobody has ever enjoyed a night out in Aylesbury. Nobody.

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My London: Peter Andre goes shopping in Home Bargains

That’s Home Bargains. Not The Range. Not Wilkos. And certainly not Aldi. Home Bargains.

However, the story fails to tell us which branch of Home Bargains he visited, depriving fans the chance to get down there to breathe the same air Pete breathed, touch the same Bold 3-in-1 liquid he touched. It also deprives people who are not Pete fans the chance to avoid the area at all costs.

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Eastern Daily Press: Johnny Depp breaks his silence over rumours that he bought a bath while on a visit to Norwich

Due to his current status as a bit of a wrong’un, we feel duty bound to spoiler this story: Yes he did buy a bath while on a visit to Norwich, but he’s since sold it.

Wherever it is, it’s probably cursed.

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That’s enough lo-fi celebrity news, but before we call it a day, regret to report that there’s been an outbreak of celebrity-related poetry. Brace yourselves.

Now be on your way before I have to call security.

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