Halloween and Guy Fawkes have come and gone, and that can only mean one thing – people getting annoyed at Christmas.
And it’s already started with the news that Gregg’s have apologised for switching sweet baby Jesus for a half-eaten sausage roll, and brain-dead racists threatening to boycott Tesco because their Christmas advert includes people of the Islamic faith.
[Narrator’s voice: They did not boycott Tesco because they needed cheap lager and smokes]
But the real fury comes when people find themselves slightly inconvenienced by the real world.
That’s because they could be a fire hazard, and is the same reason any other item is banned in communal areas. But, you know, Christmas.
“We’re just wondering where it’s all going to stop, what are they going to come up with next?”
Just wait until you hear about the deal they’re cutting with Soylent Green Inc.
And – naturally – Christmas is not ruined, just made rather less deadly.
“We’re looking to buy fire-retardant Christmas trees for independent living schemes that would like a tree in their communal rooms.”
And meanwhile, at the height of the Australian summer:
Gold Coat Bulletin: Residents accuse council of being Grinches over lack of Christmas lights
Will you just take a look at that traditional Christmas scene?
I’ve better things to spend $100,000 on, and it would most certainly involve spoiling Christmas (except for me, because it would be an enormous pie).
In fact, Christmas has been ruined since September, the earliest it has been ruined since records began:
Worthing Herald: Power cut defrosts woman’s freezer and ruins Christmas
This story is dated 27 September, which gives a whole three months of ruing a ruined Christmas, and mourning two dead koi carp who took the opportunity to check out while the power was off.
And now they’ve come for the kiddiewinks and your Blue Peter advent crown.
Bournemouth Echo: Dorset nurseries ban glitter over environmental fears
[cough] Good call [cough] BUT THE KIDDIEWINKS!
Now, we await the first “Cruel thieves steal all our presents from under the tree. They were worth £2,000 …no wait… £3,000”.
Any time now, and not an insurance scam.