To Leicestershire, where local officials have slammed the doors shut on the local public toilets after the discovery that they are the centre of some sort of sordid vegetable sex ring.

While getting your five a day should be an important part of your diet, the local council in Sileby, near Loughborough don’t think that it should involve carrots up your [censored] and quite possibly up your [censored] as well.

Especially while wearing women’s lingerie (although there’s nothing particularly wrong with that, the silky feel against your skin has to be felt to be believed and …ahem… said too much)

Loughborough Echo: This fine example of British architecture closed to the public after carrot sex shenanigans discovered going on behind its doors

The closure – of course – done in the name of thinking of the kiddiewinks, with the council saying “they were worried that young people or children may walk in on the acts.”

Always, always think of the kiddiewinks.

“We have decided to close them because unless there is a police officer standing in the toilets for 24/7 you would not be able to stop these daily activities.”

I’m pretty sure the local plod would have no difficulty finding volunteers to crack down on carrot-based pervery that has been going on since at least 2013.

Direct your feet to the local greengrocers and/or supermarket fruit & veg aisle, officers.

There you will find people with an interest in carrots.