It’s the hottest day of the year, and I am typing this in a pool of my own sweat. I would – quite honestly – commit murder for a nice, cold ice cream with chocolate bits stirred in.

But this story from the Plymouth Herald, the UK’s premier source of furious news, comes with more questions than answers.

Plymouth Herald: Fear and loathing in Plymouth as local McDonald’s McFlurry machine breaks down on the hottest day of the year

How did the Herald manage to miss the open goal headline that is “McFURY?” (Answer: It’s too hot to think)

If it’s broken, how come he’s got one? (Answer: It’s a stock photo)

If it’s the hottest day of the year, how come he’s wearing a coat? (Answer: It’s a stock photo)

Surely there’s another McDonald’s in the city? (Yes there are, and other brands of ice cream are available)

How can we reward you for this fine website? (Aww, shucks, it’s a labour of love)

Anyway, there are always ice cream vans out there…

Liverpool Echo: Ice cream man loses his licence after (allegedly) running somebody over

Not running people over is probably the minimum standard for ice cream vanning.

However, he’s also accused of using foul and abusive language (“No you can’t have pissing hundreds and thousands”), selling cigarettes and – worst of all – chiming out of hours.

MIND THAT CHILD.