Today’s local newspaper fury all one one handy page for you to cut out and keep.

Please click through to help support local journalism.

Teesside Live: Kirsty Lee of Billingham claims she had a vortex in her son’s bedroom which was used by an evil spirit known as ‘The Fat Controller’

FACT: In the southern hemisphere, spectral vortices go anti-clockwise

Peterborough Today: Anger over huge pile-up of rubbish on Peterborough street

A classic combination of BINS and Done a Poo.

Aberdeen Press and Journal: Petrol station granted 24-hour food licence despite locals’ fears of rioting

At last, somebody is addressing the link between 24-hour food for sale in garages and [checks notes] rioting in the north-east of Scotland

Somerset Live: Punter left FUMMIN after pub staff smash up his glasses

“I hate this compensation culture we live in,” says man claiming £2,000 in compensation.

Brighton Argus: Councillors want action over dangerous shrub

Wanna feel old? This is what the Knights Who Say Ni look like today.

Grantham Journal: Grantham residents take a stand to stop speeding through their neighbourhood

You will note that there is no hi-vis for the oldiewonks, who are clearly expendable.

And here are the best of today’s weird headlines:

BBC News: Man fined after seal-touching row in Shetland

Seal touchers, the new menace to society.

Energy FM: Ladder stolen

Police are taking steps. Thank you, I’m here all week, tip your waitress.