Here’s a giant woman and her very very small husband beating frying pans and messing about with a pressure washer to try to get a lovelorn bird to shut up.

But all he wants is a beautiful lady bird to love. Why can’t they go to the bird shop and get one?

I bet they’ve got loads.

Brisbane Southern Star: Couple kept awake at night by stormbird’s mating call

The Southern Star tells us:

“He has tried plastic owls and eagles from hardware stores, and even resorted to using a pressure cleaner at his fence and bashing a saucepan but nothing will keep the bird away.”

Yeah, there’s your problem right away, mate. You used plastic owls and eagles when you actually need real owls and eagles. Try the bird shop.

And second, bashing a frying pan with a spoon? That’s only going to make it worse. This bird is a single guy. Of COURSE he’s going to hang around if he thinks a free fry up is on the cards.

Honestly, if you want anything done properly, you have to do it yourself.

And meanwhile, in a quiet corner of Solihull in the English Midlands:

Coventry Telegraph: Stop pecking at my lawn, you flappy bastards

And Englishman’s home is his castle, his Vauxhall Astra his chariot, and his carefully nurtured front lawn his moat.

By the same logic, his Malayan Emergency war loot sub machine gun is his means of dealing with those flappy bastards for once and for all.

And not a single court in the land would dare convict him*.

*This is incorrect. You will probably end up in prison for doing a bad murder.