Here’s a masterclass in local newspaper compo facing.

Everything’s there.

The cold, dead eyes.

The thing that made you angry.

And helpful pointing at the thing that made you angry.

Portsmouth News: Gosport mobile chef furious after his Asda online shopping order isn’t delivered

This story reads like the failure of Britain’s fourth best supermarket to deliver his goods has brought about some sort of personal armageddon which £15 of vouchers will never put right.

And we’re with you mate. Nothing short of your local store manager ritually disembowelling himself on your front lawn will do. Insist on it. In writing.

‘We were incredibly fortunate to have some food already stocked up in the house.’

At least nobody starved. But the manager’s head on a plate or in an Asda freezer bag or nothing.

Meanwhile, in Kent:

Kent Online: Supermarket delivery driver refuses to hand over food to grown-up who looks like he’s a cross between a teenager and Littlefinger from Game of Thrones

This is top quality “We’ve been left with nothing but stale crusts” photography, after dad fails completely as the hunter-gatherer for his family.

And in “Stale crusts? Bloody LUXURY” news:

Sheffield Star: Cupboards bare as Tesco refuses to deliver to ‘no-go’ estate

I remember a time when people “went to the shops” when we needed stuff. That was before evolution took away our legs.

We should never have let evolution take away our legs, they were really quite useful. And to prove it, here’a picture of TV’s Nick Knowles aged nine, using his legs to walk around a field.

You’re welcome.