A town is at war.

The situation has got so serious that the town clerk is having to protect himself, and council meetings are being held behind closed doors.

All over the price of onions in the allotment holders’ shop.

Northern Echo: Nice-guy gardener who gives much of his produce away find that his crops have been destroyed with weedkiller

They even poisoned his water butt, with was a particularly sneaky touch.

Also: DONE A POO.

Northern Echo: Yarm town clerk now wears a body cam to protect himself against intimidation as local allotment wars get nasty

He’ll need a camera watching his back, as that’s the direction from which a sneak marrow attack will come.

It won’t be long before a UN peacekeeping mission is sent in to keep the fighting factions apart.