To add to our ever-expanding list of people you should never piss off is the English gardener.

They have access to sharp tools and bottles of chemicals (often several decades old) that dissident Irish republicans would be pleased to get their hands on.

Essex Live: Gardener absolutely fuming that rose plants he ordered three weeks ago haven’t arrived

Hear that faint sound of metal-on-metal? That’s our man sharpening his best castrating shears, used only on special occasions.

Like the U-boat commander in Dad’s Army, they have a notebook for names:

Edinburgh Evening News: Gardeners angry at the BBC for bumping Gardener’s World for snooker

They’re bumping it for a three-hour special on watching paint dry next week, so you’d better get used to it.

[Faint sound of metal-on-metal in the background]

Gulp.