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Poundland customers forced to lick staff feet in humiliating prank
This has been one of our most popular stories for months, so it’s clear we had to set up a permanent memorial to this catalogue of idiocy. Did we say popular? We meant “mental”. So. Devon Live: Mother and daughter forced to be ridden like horses and to lick Poundworld workers’ feet in telephone scam The…
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My camper van is too tall for all the car parks in Horsham anger
We’re not saying that camper van drivers all fit into the same stereotype, but… “Jim… is a member of Broadwood Morris Men.” That’s just pure coincidence. West Sussex County Times: May camper van won’t fit into any of the car parks in Horsham says camper van owner who is also a Morris Man, yet from this…
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One man and his sweet love for twenty quid’s worth of vinyl and realistic facial expressions
It looks like you can’t get privacy anywhere these days. All you want to do is to take your inflatable sex doll for a bit of sweet, sweet loving in a quiet north Hampshire hotel, and suddenly the whole world knows. Basingstoke Gazette: ‘Disgusting’ sex doll seen in Hook hotel window Of course the main concern…
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“And scratch your head to show that you’re puzzled”
There are only so many approved shots in the local newspaper photographer’s handbook, and you have to cycle through the lot of them as often as possible. The toughest one to get is this – The Head-Scratcher, reserved for people who are both annoyed and puzzled by the thing that got them annoyed. Mid Devon…
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Napoleon Dynamite is going to mess you up with his jazz hands
The sadness of kiddiewinks when vandals strike at their school should be enough to bring rage to the heart of any sane and reasonable person. Why would The Vandals do this? Can’t you just see their little faces? Bournemouth Echo: Sadfaces galore as The Vandals wreck play equipment at junior school Hey, kid! Stop it with…
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What do we burn apart from witches? (Also, druids)
More witches!! Never piss off witches, they know stuff, and usually have very sharp boots. I know this to be a fact, as I am pals with the actual Nanny Ogg from the Discworld books. It’s made all the more confusing that the same person is also Angua the werewolf. Gloucester Live: Witches claim they are at the…
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Not allowed to park my van on my driver because of pencil-necked desk-jockeys
This bloke has a camper van. This bloke’s camper van has angered the pencil-necked desk-jockeys of the local council. It’s a battle of wills and he will lose. Daily Record: Council’s pencil-necked desk-jockeys tell tenant to remove camper van from the hard-standing outside his home On the bright side, if they evict him, he’s got his camper van…
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Won’t share my headphones anger
FACT: Other people are filthy. Never share anything with any of them. This especially goes with anything you stick on your head. Belfast Telegraph: Call centre bloke faces the sack for refusing to share his headset with colleagues And we don’t blame him. Shared headphones can only lead to Hearing AIDS. I’ll get me coat. Spotter:…
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A salute to Australia’s NT News
We’re going to go out on a limb and say Australia’s NT News is the best local or regional newspaper on the planet. Yeah, shut up Bexley News Shopper, the Hull Daily Mail, Plymouth Herald and the Nottingham Post. These Aussies are legends in their own beer-swilled lunch times. Which other paper would give you…
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This church group has a weird way of spelling “arise”
You know how things go. You have a spiffing idea for a blazing church revival meeting and you send your idea off to the graphic designers to have it turned into reality. Two weeks later: “Are you sure people will know it says ‘arise’?” “Yeah, looks great. Go for it.” And they’re not the only…