Author: angrypiln

  • When vicars go bad, and the least newsworthy news story in the world, and frankly we’re not exaggerating

    When vicars go bad, and the least newsworthy news story in the world, and frankly we’re not exaggerating

    As the silly season cranks up yet further, let’s get this one from Canada out of the way first. Hamilton Spectator: Dildos up a tree for some reason I’d rather not go into Luckily for everyone, it’s behind a paywall and now we’ll never know how things escalated to this particular level of pettiness. We…

  • Public Service Announcement: Please do not put frozen potatoes up your arse

    Public Service Announcement: Please do not put frozen potatoes up your arse

    Are we all clear on the frozen potatoes thing? Good. At the very least, we recommend that they are baked to what government health warnings call “piping hot”. The trouble being is that there are warnings about everything because there is always that one person. That one person who is the reason why they have…

  • The power of the magic asparagus compels thee!

    The power of the magic asparagus compels thee!

    We have solved a genuine mystery. And the mystery is “Where have I seen this guy before?” So far so compo, but I never forget an angry face, and was convinced I’ve seem him elsewhere. And so it proved. Manchester Evening Post: Asda shopper left FUMMIN over size of his mince pies Christmas was –…

  • The Actual Mark of the Beast and Actual Aliens

    The Actual Mark of the Beast and Actual Aliens

    Huddersfield Examiner: Cul-de-Sac residents complain that their bins haven’t been emptied in two weeks The story aside (don’t leave your cars so the bin lorry can’t get up your street), I am obsessed with this gentleman’s shiny pair of shorts. Are they made of cut-down bin bags? __________________ Teesside Live: Man who runs a fan…

  • Duolingo keeps trying to pick a fight with me

    Duolingo keeps trying to pick a fight with me

    Quiet night down the pub, and this happens. Duolingo’s been on the sherbet again and sending small boys with less-than-veiled threats to my safety. Look Junior, I’ll take you on, in the car park outside. But don’t bring the owl, I don’t fight wild animals. Christ alive – for the third time – NO WILD…

  • The World Naked Butler Shortage: A warning from history

    The World Naked Butler Shortage: A warning from history

    Surrey Live: We don’t do those clickbaity ‘Journalist Does Normal Thing’ stories that seem to be all the rage at the moment, except for this one A Journalist Does Normal Thing story has to be truly exceptional to get into the pges of Angry People in Local Newspapers, and when the reporter has a face…

  • Regret to report that people are still trying to go on holiday

    Regret to report that people are still trying to go on holiday

    North Wales Daily Post: Psycho seagulls leave couple prisoners in their own home Yet there they are, outside. Perhaps if they let the seagulls have a go on the trampoline, we could all reach some sort of accommodation. ____________________ Henley Standard: Couple want to know where the police are after car takes out their plant…

  • Thirty yards of cycling hell, a nice cup of tea, and a slug

    Thirty yards of cycling hell, a nice cup of tea, and a slug

    This from the Lancashire Post is local news reporting at its very finest and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Lancashire Post: Local woman rides entire length of new cycle lane Honestly, this video is one minute and 48 seconds of suspense, drama, personal growth, and a happy ending. But it’s a good thing…

  • Paris destroyed/Paris saved

    Paris destroyed/Paris saved

    How many round-ups of local newspaper headlines begin with an obscure reference to the film Superman II (1980, dir: Richard Lester)? Just this one, that’s how many.

  • Normal for [insert name of town, city, county, or region]

    Normal for [insert name of town, city, county, or region]

    Everything is, as usual, ruined. And it’s always somebody else’s fault and the only way to express this is through the pages of your local newspaper. Welcome, you.